


Ask Me Again

by panskiss123



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:11:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8581573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panskiss123/pseuds/panskiss123
Summary: A different retelling of the "Real, Not Real" moment. Katniss's sacrifices go too far but how far is TOO far for Peeta?





	1. Chapter 1

It’s now been nearly 7 months since that terrible day in the Capitol. I keep tally with my blood. The pain I feel as the blade slices my skin is jarring but at least I know it’s real and it keeps me in the present. It’s how Peeta focused on staying with me.

Peeta. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that day. That day when I assassinated the new president of Panem and he stopped me from taking my life. I can still remember the way his fingers wrapped around the pill, the sight of his usually bright blue eyes, now dull and sad, gazing at me with something of shock and anger. I still can’t figure out why he stopped me. That crazy therapist from 13, Dr. Aurelius, calls me at least twice a day, thinking I actually want to talk to him. I don’t talk to anyone. Not Sae or Haymitch or my mom when she calls (which she doesn’t really). I’ve slipped slowly into madness, sitting here in this chair in this empty house feeling the grief weigh down upon me like a stone city falling to ruin. 

My sister. The only person I had to live for, to protect, to fight for, is gone. It’s all my fault. All of it is, really. That’s why I haven’t left the house either. I don’t want to see the ashes of my district, burned because of me. The ashes of my neighbors and friends.  
Merchant Circle, where Peeta grew up, the bakery he worked in with his family, completely burned to the ground.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. 

 

I glance to the side to the huge pile of mail that Sae brought when she came to cook breakfast. I see several from Annie Cresta, or Odair I remind myself, my mother, who has gone to District 4, Plutarch Heavensbee, one from President Paylor (wonder what she could want) and even one from Johanna Mason. 

None from Gale. None from Peeta. It’s likely they’ve both forgotten about me. Gale went off to 2 with a fancy government job, Sae tells me. Peeta…I don’t know what happened to Peeta. Haymitch said he stayed in the Capitol to get better but that was months ago. Surely he didn’t want to stay there, where our lives were destroyed. The mail keeps piling up because I don’t leave this chair. My hair is matted and at strange lengths; my body is destroyed, entwined by ribbons of scorching fire, the one that claimed my sister. I haven’t bathed in weeks and I know I must smell worse than Haymitch now. My mouth feels like I have been chewing on cotton even though I managed to swallow a few bites of eggs and bread that Sae cooked this morning; it all tasted like sandpaper. If  
I sit in this chair long enough, I’ll just die and then I can see my sister and my father again. Sae screamed at me when she first found me here; how I was wasting away and I needed to fight it. Trouble is, I have been fighting my entire life. I’m tired of fighting. 

I’m tired of it all. Just let me fade into peace. 

I hear a shoveling noise right outside my window and I perk up, my eyes narrowing in suspicion. I wrap the blanket around myself and trudge to the door. 

It can’t be.

I know that mop of blonde curls anywhere. He pauses to wipe the sweat from his bow and bends over, his shirt riding up and exposing his ribs.  
He looks healthy. Stronger. Healed. 

I push the door open and stand on my porch, watching him for a moment. His shoulders tense, as if he knows he is being watched, and he slowly rises to his feet. I see a shovel in one hand and some sort of plant in his other. He turns to face me and I feel his wide eyes on me. The blanket drags the ground as I climb down the steps and approach him. I need to see him closer. I need to be sure this isn’t some kind of dream or vision. I need to be sure he is really here. 

I stop in front of him and his eyes travel me up and down. Suddenly I feel very self conscious and fight to smooth my hair down. 

“You’re back,” I finally speak, needing to break this awful silence between us. He nods.

“Doctor Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until I was fully healed. By the way, he said to tell you he can’t keep pretending he’s treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.” I nod and glance down at the plant in his hand. His eyes follow mine and he holds it up.

“It’s, uh, evening primrose. I found them by the forest and thought…we could plant them. Here. For her.” I want to pull him into my arms and never let go. Instead, I take a step backwards. He grips the shovel and shifts from side to side. I wrap my arms around myself and stare at the ground. He doesn’t speak or even move. The silence is too much for me and I turn and run back into the house. I don’t look back to see if he is following but I seriously doubt it. I’ve run from him too many times in the past; I imagine he is as tired of it as I am. 

I run straight upstairs and jump into the shower. I feel so much better once the scalding water touches my skin and I scrub myself clean. My hair is a tragic mess, at different lengths from the fire but I do my best with it once it is dry. A glance out the window tells me Peeta is finished planting the primroses and is gone. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. If I’ll see him again. He was trying to do something nice and I ran from him, as usual.  
\----------------------------------

I get the surprise of my life when I hear a knock on the door that night and I fling it open to find Peeta on my doorstep. He clutches a basket and grins sheepishly.

“I hope you don’t mind…Sae invited me over for dinner.” 

“I don’t mind,” I stand aside to let him in and he stands in my doorway, looking tense.

“Um, Sae might be a little late. She, uh, had to pick up her granddaughter.” I nod and he fingers the basket.

“OK. Um…well, come on inside. Sae has been doing the cooking so I don’t--“

“I can cook us something, if you like. In case she doesn’t get here soon.” He walks into my kitchen as if he owns the house and I remember the layouts of our houses are the same. He sets the basket down and opens the cabinets.

“I, um…I don’t have much,” I say with a shrug. “I haven’t really left the house.”

“I assumed that when I saw you this afternoon,” he says quietly. I run my fingers through my hair and clear my throat. He cocks his head, as if he is studying me.

“You look better.”

“I feel better.” He gives me something of a smile and nudges the basket.

“I brought these over. I remembered how much you like them.” I move the towel aside and my eyes widen and then start to water.  
Cheesebuns. I made him make these for me so many times in the past and they quickly became my favorite food. My hand dives into the basket and I just now register my stomach growling loudly. His brow quirks up and he looks mildly amused.

“That should tide you over while I make dinner.”

“I don’t know what you’ll find to make,” I say, my mouth overflowing with cheesebun. “As far as I know, Sae just brings the food over.”

“We have a few things here. And you have lots in the fridge. How about spaghetti with this deer meat you have?” I don’t know where the meat came from but I nod eagerly and he sets to work. I sit on the stool, chewing on a cheesebun and watching him move around my kitchen. His hair is longer, hanging in his face and his eyes are brighter than I remember. He rolls his sleeves up and I can see where the fire blazed across his skin. His scars aren’t as bad as mine but they still look red and raw. He has a slight limp, due to his prosthetic and he hasn’t regained the broad shoulders and chest from our training. Months in the Capitol, being starved and beaten and tortured, changed him. In more ways than one. I saw the physical and the mental torture and it killed me inside. So many times; I wished he had succeeding in murdering me. 

Peeta moves purposefully across the kitchen and opens more cabinets. He taps his chin and cocks his head. I study every movement closely. I’ve missed everything about him, I discover. The way he clicks his tongue when he is thinking, the unruly blonde curls, the way he whispers to himself when he cooks or bakes; I find myself missing other things, like the way his arms felt around me or the way his lips pressed against my forehead. The way his hands felt in my hair or his steady breathing when he slept. I shake myself and he glances at me from across the room.

“You ok?”

“Fine. You sure you don’t need any help?”

“I’m ok. It’s nice to be able to make dinner for more than just me. I wonder when Sae will be here though. Should we make extra for her?”

“I don’t think she’ll eat much. She really only comes to force me to…um, to cook for me and then she leaves.” His lips tighten for a moment and I swallow. He goes back to the stove and I lean my elbows on the table.

“When did you come back, Peeta?”

“I’ve been home a few days,” he says, his back turned to me. “I kind of holed myself up in kitchen, baking, until I felt ready to leave the house. I wasn’t sure how to…I wasn’t really sure if you would like to see me or not so I was trying to keep my distance and give you some space.” He stirs the pasta and there is the silence again. I clear my throat and he glances over his shoulder but doesn’t speak.

“Thank you,” I say quietly and he lifts the bowl off the stove. He flings the potholders aside and turns to face me. He sighs deeply and I chew my thumbnail for a moment, feeling his gaze boring into me. Finally I can’t take it anymore. I jump up from the stool so quickly that it falls to the floor with a clang; I run to him and fling my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shirt. I feel his arms hover for a moment before they close around me.

“I’m so sorry, Katniss,” his voice is muffled by my shoulder. I don’t know if he is saying it because of Prim or because he almost killed me or because of how we turned out. I don’t care; I sob into his shirt and his arms tighten around me. It’s warm and familiar; it feels like coming home.

We hear the door snap behind us and we spring apart. Peeta rushes to the window and grunts.

“Spy,” he says as he shakes his head before he turns back to me. “I don’t think Sae is joining us for dinner.”

“I’m sure she’s grateful to someone else for cooking.” He smiles and moves back to the stove. I join him, pulling plates out of the cabinet and our hands brush as he serves the food. 

We talk quietly while we eat and then we fall into an uncomfortable silence again. We don’t broach any awkward subjects and I thank him for the food as I carry the dishes to the sink. 

“We should save some for Haymitch,” he says as he starts to wrap up the food.

“Bet that’s fun for you. Coming home to keep Haymich and I fed.” 

“Haymitch is so drunk most of the time, he’d never notice he is starving. You, on the other hand…” he trails off and I bite my lip. 

“We’ll have more meals together,” he says softly and I nod. 

“I’d like that.”

“I should go. Thanks for dinner, Katniss.”

“You were the one who cooked,” I remind him and he smiles.

“Thanks for the company then.” 

“Thank you, Peeta.” He stops, his hand on the door knob and gives me a warm smile. I’ve missed that smile too. Not a trace of the hijacking in it. It’s my old Peeta, come back to me.

But…for how long?  
\-------------------------------------------------------  
The months pass and we continue to grow and heal. It was hard at first, being distant and careful with Peeta. After our first dinner together, I ran over to his house in the middle of the night to find him crying and throwing things. I held him while his shivers ceased and then he yelled at me for staying with me in that state. I promised him I wouldn’t leave him and he told me he needed some time.

I didn’t see him for several days after that and when he came over to cook breakfast, it was like the other night hadn’t happened. 

We’ve discovered that we need each other. He holds me when he finds me stuck in a nightmare and I sing to him when I find him in a flashback. We try to keep busy, both volunteering to help clean up the district and coming back in the evening to cook dinner together. He paints and bakes while I continue to hunt. Sometimes we sit with Haymitch and watch the holo, or we all eat dinner together. Sae stopped cooking for me when Peeta returned; my guess is that she assumed he was taking care of me and I didn’t need her anymore. She still brings her granddaughter over from time to time.

 

The first night that Peeta found out that I cut myself was a rough one. I wear leather cuffs to hide my wrists but I took them off to wash dishes. As I washed, he dried and we made light conversation. I noticed he had trailed off and had tensed up beside me. When I looked up at him, his blue eyes were shining with fury. 

“Katniss,” he said through gritted teeth. I was about to ask him what was wrong when he grabbed my wrist and pulled it closer to his face. I bit my lip and yanked my hand away but he continued to glare at me until I threw the cloth down and turned to face him.

“My life was shit until you came back, Peeta. I didn’t want to live anymore. The pain helped me focus. It helped keep things real for me. I don’t do it anymore…I mean, I haven’t since you came back. But the scars will always be there. Just one more scar to add to  
my collection of brokenness and emptiness.” He stared at me until he shook his head and threw the towel down. 

“I gotta go.” He brushed past me and stomped toward the door.

“Peeta! I said I don’t do it anymore.” He turned back to me, shaking.

“Yeah but you did do it, Katniss. You stopped caring about yourself when I was thinking that you were safe. I fought hard to get better and come back because I thought we could help each other heal…I never thought I would have to fight to keep you alive. From yourself! You’ve always been the strong one, the survivor. Haymitch said Sae had to force food down your throat to keep you alive! And now I find out…this!” 

“I…I just…” he shook his head in disgust and let the door slam behind him. I was overtaken by nightmares that night but he never came to my side. It was the first night I’d slept without him. 

 

The morning after, he was in my kitchen with freshly baked muffins and an apology.

“We all deal with pain in different ways,” he said in a thick voice. “I don’t like it…but it was your way. I’m glad you’ve stopped.”

“I won’t do it again,” I promised him and he pulled me into his arms and held me all morning. 

We don’t live together, not officially, but he sleeps in my bed with me and we cook dinner together in his kitchen and we spend the evenings curled up on the couch, or working on our Memory Book, which was an idea that Aurelius had for helping us remember everyone. The book has been a good form of therapy but Peeta still struggles with remembering some things and our game of ‘Real Not Real’ grows very tiresome sometimes. 

One evening while we are draped over the couch, my head on his chest and his arm wrapped around my shoulder, he says my name softly.

“Hm?” I ask, almost asleep.

“Did…did anything else happen…on the train, I mean?” I look up at him, confused and see he looks uncomfortable.

“What are you talking about?” He closes his eyes and sighs.

“Did we do anything…other than sleep?” The realization of what he is asking me washes over me and my eyes widen.

“No,” I say quickly. 

“Oh,” is all he says.

“We were…just becoming friends. Things were confusing. And we were pretending to be in this epic romance to save our families. We didn’t really think of…anything else.”

“You sure about that?” My brow shoots up into my hair.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m only speaking for myself but…we were two sixteen year olds, pretending to be engaged, with imminent death over our heads. Sex might have been a good escape.” I feel myself go red at the mere word and I sit up quickly.

“We weren’t like that.”

“You mean you never had feelings for me like that.” His voice is tinged with pain and I bite my lip.

“I didn’t know what I felt for you! I was so confused and I knew I cared about you but I never…I never even thought about s-…about that when I was growing up. I was too focused on protecting my family and surviving!” He nods, looking resigned.

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“That doesn’t mean…it doesn’t mean I didn’t care about you. And my feelings now…” I trail off uncertainly and can feel him watching me closely.

“Now?” he prompts. My eyes slam shut. Why are we having this conversation? Other than the tight hugs in my kitchen and holding me at night, there is no intimacy in our relationship. We are friends, plain and simple. Friends who need each other to survive. His love for me is gone, I am sure of it and I am not going to torture myself, wishing I had it again. I stomped on his heart too many times and he deserves better. I hope he finds it one day. Because I’ll never get married or have children and Peeta deserves both. 

“I care very deeply for you,” I answer honestly. “You’re my best friend.” He pushes my hair off my forehead and smiles, though I can tell it is strained.

“You’re mine too. And we’d better get to bed; I told Thom I would be in Merchant Circle early in the morning to help the clean up crew.”

“Is that such a good idea,” I say uncertainly as I walk with him upstairs. “Merchant Circle is where--“

“My family died,” he answers for me. “Yeah I know. But it’s been over a year, Katniss. And I haven’t even been to the bakery still. I need to…honor them somehow.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“I think I need to do this alone,” he says as he grabs some clothes from one of my drawers. “But thank you. It means a lot to know that you care.” He disappears into the bathroom and I sigh as I dress quickly. When he comes out in his pajamas, I lift the covers and wait for him to slide under before I join him.  
\-------------------------------------------

That night, I dream of the beach in the Quarter Quell. The kisses that made my hunger for him intensify. Except nothing stops us this time. No lightning and no Finnick. We don’t break away from each other and he peels my bra away and takes my breast into his mouth. It’s just the two of us, no one else around. The feeling of his tongue on my skin is dizzying and I grab at his curls. I grind against his erection, not at all terrified of how I feel. How he is making me feel. I’m completely new at all of this but his hand on my breast and his lips on mine bring me comfort. 

“You are so beautiful,” he whispers against my cheek. 

“Peeta,” I gasp, throwing my head back. I grind against him again and he thrusts against me while his hand slips into my suit and cups my center. Our hips move in tandem until I feel something like a dam breaking and everything just rushes forward. I collapse against him, panting and he is doing the same.

My eyes shoot open and I realize I’m not on the beach. But I AM pressed against Peeta. My pajamas are wet and his wide eyes lock on mine.

“What…what just happened?” He swallows but doesn’t answer, his eyes moving downward to his damp pants. I feel sticky between my thighs and I shift away from him. My eyes are drawn to the wet spot on his pants, where I can make out a slight bulge. I flush red for looking but can’t bring myself to look away. 

“Katniss,” his voice sounds strained and it jolts me into action. I jump up from the bed and run into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I hear his tentative knock moments later.

“Katniss, come on. Just come out and talk to me.” I’m silent as I clutch my knees to my chest.

“We didn’t do anything wrong,” he says desperately. “Please don’t shut me out.” Did we just…in our sleep? I’ve never touched myself before so I don’t know what that feeling is like but I’ve never experienced such bliss before. Countless girls talked about it, their times at the slag heap, and I was curious but always too busy to even care. On those nights on the train, I would feel Peeta hard against my back but we never said anything about it. I knew from books that he really couldn’t control it, especially in the mornings. And it flattered me to know he wanted me in that way. Still, I have no idea what we really did while we were dreaming. Did he wake to find me grinding against him like a cat in heat? What have we done? We just crossed a line that I swore never to cross, with anyone. I slump against the door and hear him do the same. I hear a thump like his head hitting the wood and his heavy sigh. I press my palm against where I think his head is resting and I blink back tears. After all of our progress I had to go and ruin it with my stupid hormones. The floor is vastly uncomfortable but it’s better than having to face him right now. I curl up on the tile and fall asleep.  
\-----------------------------

When I wake up, my back is stiff and my muscles ache. I stand and examine my reflection. I comb through my hair with my fingers and attempt to braid it down the side; it’s started to grow back and it’s finally long enough to put in a braid again. I splash some water on my face and open the door; Peeta falls forward with a cry of surprise and I kneel down to help him. 

“I’m sorry, I thought you’d be gone by now.” He rubs his face with his hand.

“I didn’t want to just leave. We should really talk.”

“I don’t want to talk, Peeta. It’s ok.”

“But--“

“I need to go hunting this morning. I told Sae I would bring some meat for her new restaurant. And I know you told Thom you would meet him early. I’ll see you later for dinner.” He studies me intently and his shoulders slump.

“OK. Have a good day.”

“You too.” He showers and gets ready while I dress in the closet. He makes us some toast for breakfast and gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek.

“Be careful in the woods.”

“I always am.” I don’t look back as I leave the Village, towards my woods. My refuge.  
\---------------------------------

I stay there the whole day, just thinking. I finally manage to shoot two turkeys and I think about how much Peeta likes fresh turkey. But thinking of him brings back memories from last night and I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to face my feelings for him. Peeta is the only constant thing in my life right now, my very strength. If I should lose him, I don’t know what I would do. And I know he once loved me but the Capitol tainted that love and I don’t think he’ll ever be the same. I’m content with what we have and determined not to push it further. Still, I think about that day when I came down to find him kneading dough, wearing only a pair of faded jeans. He’s finally started to regain his former strength and his work with the clean-up crews has broadened his chest and shoulders. Light golden hair dots his chest and around his waistband, a trail of darker hair leads into his jeans, towards things I have never thought about but find myself wondering about more and more. 

The sun is setting when I head home and I hope Peeta is not too worried. But when I arrive at my house I see that he is not there. That’s strange. I turn around and walk over to his house but stop when I see Haymitch sitting on the porch, nursing a swollen eye.

“Wouldn’t go in there right now if I were you,” he spits. “Kid has lost it.”

“A flashback?”

“If you want to call it that. I’d say he’s possessed. He’s going to need to replace all of his possessions and he keeps screaming about mutts and fire.” My heart sinks.

“He helped clean up Merchant Circle today. Oh Peeta.” I start to open the door but Haymitch grabs my ankle.

“Hey, what did I just say? You think he won’t kill you on sight if you go in there?”

“Peeta would never hurt me.”

“Really now? And those weren’t his hands wrapped around your throat back in 13?” A cold chill settles over me at Haymitch’s words.

“He’s doing much better. His flashbacks are even getting better.”

“Well not this one. You can go in there if you really want but you better have some kind of weapon on you.”

“Oh because that’s not going to drive him over the edge,” I snap. He stands and shakes his head.

“Suit yourself. You’re a stubborn ass anyway. I tried, so no one can blame me when they find him sobbing over your broken body on the floor.” I’m taken aback from his harsh words and he shoves past me toward his own house. Haymitch has never spoken to  
us like that and I know he cares a great deal about Peeta. After he is gone, I stand on the porch, fighting with myself. I don’t hear anything inside and I wonder if he has calmed down. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open and gasp loudly. Paintings and pictures scatter the floor, destroyed. Lamps shattered, chairs turned over, the couch in disarray. It looks like a bomb went off in here. 

“Peeta,” I call quietly, not wanting to startle him. I glance around the corners and I listen closely.  
I find him in the kitchen, huddled up and rocking back and forth. I’ve found him like this many times and I always pull him to my chest and sing to him.

Not this time though. As soon as he notices me, rage overtakes him and he jumps to his feet.

“What the fuck do you want, mutt?”

“Peeta,” I say slowly, holding my hands out so he knows I’m unarmed. “You’re ok. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real.” 

“Get the fuck out of my house!” 

“Peeta, please. I’m not a mutt. You’re safe, in 12, with me.” He turns and grabs a knife out of the drainer and waves it at me. I hold my hands higher, my eyes on the shining blade. They move up to his, which don’t have a trace of blue in them. Only black. Endless darkness.

“I said, get out!” I can’t reason with him right now. I slowly back out of the kitchen and don’t turn around until I get to the door. I don’t know how I didn’t hear his loud footsteps but I gasp when I feel a hand in my hair and I am yanked backwards. His fingernails scratch my scalp and I whimper in his grasp.

“You stupid mutt,” he spits. “You think I’d actually let you go? After everything you’ve done? I want to watch you bleed to death on my floor.” 

“Peeta,” I whine, tears filling my eyes. 

“Don’t you ever say my name like that you fucking whore! You’ve taken everything from me! Everything!” 

“No,” I shake my head, aware he could snap my neck in two seconds. “I haven’t taken anything from you.” I gasp as I feel the cold blade at my throat and I swallow. 

“Lie to me again and I will slit your throat faster than you can swallow.” He pulls the knife away and waves it in front of me, toying with me.

“So,” he says in a voice full of cheerful malice. “What should we cut up first? Your face is what haunts my dreams, so maybe we’ll start with that.” I feel the blade poke at my cheek and I squeeze my eyes shut, taken back to the arena with Clove on top of me. His grasp on me loosens and I seize my chance; Peeta taught me all of his wrestling moves when he was training us for the Quell. I slam my elbow in his chest and hear him howl in pain. I take off from his porch and focus on the safety of my house. But am I really safe there? Am I safe anywhere? 

Something slams into me and knocks me off my feet; he holds my hands over my head with one hand and straddles me. He lifts the knife high into the air and I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t look into those black eyes. I can’t look at him while he kills me.  
I hear a grunt and feel his weight lift off me. I chance a peek and see two men restraining him as he fights to get to me. I feel a pair of hands close around my shoulders and lifting me to my feet.

“Are you ok, Katniss,” Thom asks. I nod shakily, not having any words. 

“Go ahead and put these on him,” Haymitch throws them a pair of handcuffs and Peeta spits on his shoe.

“I’ll fucking kill you too old man!” 

“Make sure he’s comfortable,” Haymitch says quietly. “But make sure he can’t get out.” 

“Yes Mr. Abernathy.” Thom and his other mining friend drag Peeta into his house and I can hear his angry screams.

“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s take care of that cut.” I hadn’t even noticed I was bleeding until he mentioned it. He leads me into his house and I wrinkle my nose in disgust at the foul smell. He rustles around until he brings out a first aid kit and gestures for me to sit.

“Now do you believe me,” he says quietly.

“I thought I could help him.”

“Peeta would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you. He raged at me for days when he found out how close to death you were when we came back here. Told me I owed him and that I should be doing everything I could to save you. He’s better than the rest of us.”

“He’s better than anyone else,” I say, wincing as he spreads ointment over my neck. “What was that you told me? I could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.”

“I’m sorry I said that, sweetheart. You need each other. It’s remarkable how much better you’re both doing since he’s returned to you.” 

“He deserves so much better, Haymitch. I don’t know why he stays in 12 when he can go travel Panem and find someone to love.” He snorts as he puts the cap back on the ointment.

“You really are an idiot, Katniss.” I frown and jut my chin out.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That boy loves you more than anything. Why do you refuse to see that?”

“He doesn’t…I mean he did before, but he doesn’t anymore. He can’t.” He doesn’t say anything else, sighing and shaking his head. Because he knows I’m right. I’m too damaged to love and Peeta has lost too much because of me.  
\-------------------------------

I go back to my house and try to sleep but my nightmares are worse than ever. My throat is sore from my screams.

I don’t see Peeta after that. Something tells me to stay away and give him his space. When he’s ready, he knows where to find me. 

 

A week later, I am helping the construction crew in town and we are carrying huge beams of wood to rebuild many of the buildings. My new skin itches and burns and my hair is soaked with sweat. I feel dizzy and thirsty and tell Thom I need to take a little break. He nods and tells me to go rest, that they’ve got this. I sit in the shade, underneath a large tree, and use my shirt to wipe off all the perspiration from my face.

“Here, you should be drinking water.” I look up into a smiling face I haven’t seen for days. He’s holding out a water bottle and I take it gratefully. I sigh as soon as the cool liquid touches my lips and I drink greedily. 

‘Thank you,” I croak out, handing it back to him. 

“Are you hungry?” He pulls out a loaf of bread from his pack and hands me a chunk. It doesn’t escape me that the bread has nuts and raisins…the same hearty loaf he tossed to me in the rain. He stares down at me with a sad smile.

“What is it?”

“I wish I’d just done this,” he says softly. “I should have just handed it to you instead of throwing it at--“

“Peeta,” I stop him. “You kept me alive with that bread.” 

“Seeing you under this tree again…” he trails off and I look up. Oh my god, I hadn’t even realized. How did this tree survive? 

“I didn’t even realize…” he nods and looks up.

“Once when I was little I tried climbing it to get to the apples. I fell and hit my head really hard. My brother found me and carried me to my mom, who proceeded to yell at me to never climb trees again before she bandaged my head. When I got older, she made  
me climb to get the apples so we could make pies. I was a terrible climber and kept falling but she stood under me and yelled how worthless I was. As if that was good motivation,” he snorts and shakes his head. “Wish I had asked you to climb up there and get them.”

“I’m sure she would have loved that. I seem to remember her chasing me away from your trash cans that day. Seam trash, I believe is what she said.” He sighs and sinks down beside me and I take another bite of bread. 

“It’s strange, I never got to say goodbye to any of them but I don’t feel like anything was left unsaid. Maybe because they’d already written me off before I left. I know it shocked the hell out of Mom when I came home from the Games. She often screamed that I should have died in there, rather than bring dishonor to the family.” I gape at him while he stares off in the distance. Mrs. Mellark was always known as the Witch around 12. She was especially hateful toward Seam children but I’d never think she could be so cruel to her own son. Before I know what I’m doing, I take his hand in mine and bring it to my cheek.

“They loved you, Peeta. They all did. And I know they’re proud of you.” He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and sighs.

“I wish I could believe that…but after what the Capitol has turned me into, I can’t see how that could be true.” 

“You fought and overcame the Capitol,” I say earnestly. “You didn’t let them win. You overcame it.”

“Really?” He turns and his thumb brushes against the cut on my throat. I swallow and my eyes dart to the ground.

“Haymitch finally told me what I did,” he whispers. Damn it Haymitch! 

“Don’t be mad at him. I begged for him to tell me and then I threatened to cut off his white liquor if he didn’t. He told me how I nearly killed you…again.” 

“You didn’t,” I say quickly. His brow furrows and his face scrunches up in pain.

“Damn it Katniss, don’t you see? I’m not safe to be around. I’m like death to you. And I may actually kill you one day, and where do you think that will leave me? Wanting to die, that’s where. I can’t be around you anymore. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore.”

“What are you saying?” He turns and gazes off again.

“I think I want to leave 12 for a while. I need to…find myself again. Find out who I used to be, so that when the poison gets to be too much, I can remember.” He turns back to me and takes my hands in his.

“I can’t imagine not seeing you every day. But I think we both need this. You’re so much better than you were when I first came back. I’ll call you and write you and you have to promise that you won’t forget about me.”

“I could never forget you, Peeta.” Then he does something that shocks me. He leans forward and presses his lips to mine. It’s quick, over before I even have time to respond but I remember what his lips feel like and I find I miss his kisses. 

“I’d better get back to work. Dinner tonight?”

“Of…of course.” He nods and stands up, brushing the dirt off his pants. Giving me a small smile, he walks back to his crew and I gape at his retreating back.  
\------------------------------

We cook dinner together and I know I will miss this. I will miss the way we bump against each other, the way our hands brush when we reach for something and the way we can anticipate the other’s movements. I’m going to miss his deep laugh and the way his tongue pokes out of the corner of his mouth when he is concentrating, the way his shoulders flex when he kneads dough and those long golden eyelashes that capture the light and make his blue eyes sparkle. He blinks at me over the table and I see his lips move. Realizing he is speaking, I shake myself and blink.

“I’m sorry I was in a daze. What did you say?”

“I asked how you like the meat.”

“Oh it’s delicious. Very well seasoned. Thank you.” He nods and goes back to his dinner, leaving me to study every inch of him again. 

 

After the dishes are cleaned and put away, he leans against the counter and we stare at each other for a moment.

“I made dessert if you aren’t too full.”

“I’m not.” He smiles and pulls something out of the fridge.

“Have you ever had a cupcake before?”

“No.” He holds the plate out and picks up the sweet treat.

“Close your eyes.” They narrow for a moment, always suspicious, before they close and I feel his warm breath on my cheek.

“Take a bite.” I feel the chocolate on my lips and I open my mouth to take a bite; flavors invade my senses and I moan. There is chocolate and orange and honey and oh my goodness it tastes amazing. But then I feel something even more incredible. 

Something wet and warm traces across my lips, cleaning up the excess chocolate. My eyes shoot open and his face is just inches from mine. His lips curve into a smile.

“Close your eyes, Katniss.” I do as he says and feel his lips on mine again. His tongue traces a line until my lips part and his tongue tentatively touches mine. I gasp but don’t pull away. His hand rests on my cheek while the other wraps around my waist. I lean up on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck. He slants his mouth over mine and his tongue delves deeper. We have never kissed like this before. Even the kisses in the Quell weren’t this passionate and heated. I move my tongue against his and he moans into my mouth. It makes me feel powerful and I do it again and again. We have to break away for breath but come right back together again. His hand moves from my waist to my backside and he squeezes my ass with one large hand. I move closer, pressing against him and feeling his want for me against my belly. He lifts one of my legs around his waist and he thrusts gently, causing me to gasp and moan again. The friction from our clothes is driving me insane. I’m suddenly impatient and surprisingly, not at all nervous. I tear my lips from his and move them to his ear.

“Take me upstairs.” He leans back to study me, his chest heaving with his heavy breathing.

“Are you sure?” I nod and he picks me up, his lips reconnecting with mine. I never want him to stop kissing me.  
He sets me on the bed and leans back to tug his shirt over his head. I’ve seen him before but he is glorious. My palms rake across his chest and he cups my chin. His fingers edge under my shirt and he looks shy.

“Can I take this off?” I nod and he pulls it over my head. I feel like this is dragging it out and I am impatient for this to go…wherever it is going to go tonight. I reach behind me and unclasp my bra, flinging it aside. His wide eyes are locked on my chest and I fight to keep from covering myself.

“God almighty,” he says softly. “You’re perfect, Katniss.” I keep myself from shaking my head and arguing with him and instead focus on his jeans. My fingers pluck at the buttons and I start to pull them down. His underwear catches and comes down with them and I am left staring at bare flesh. Flesh that I have felt pressed against me but have never seen. I’ve only seen a few naked men before but their…well, they weren’t aroused like Peeta is. I start to wonder how that is going to fit inside me before I banish those thoughts away. Tonight is about showing Peeta what he means to me, how much I’m going to miss him. I want to give him something I have never given anyone else, so that he will always remember his girl on fire. He pushes his jeans and underwear down his legs and kneels on the bed. I bite my lip as I reach out to touch him and it jumps in my hand. I wrap my palm around him and he hisses above me. 

“Am I doing something wrong?”

“No,” he shakes his head, his curls everywhere. “Just…um...spit…I mean…”

“What?”

“The…the friction. Something wet will make it feel better. You can just…oh god!” I pull my hand away but lean down to kiss the tip. I can’t imagine something as disgusting and insulting as spitting on him. He deserves more than that. He’s too precious for that.

“I…I didn’t mean…you don’t ha-have to…” he stutters as his wide eyes lock on me.

His skin is like velvet yet it’s so hard against my cheek. My tongue pokes out to taste him, and I lick up and down. His head falls back and I can tell I must be doing something right. I wrap my lips around him completely and he releases a strangled cry. I look up and my eyes meet his; his face is flushed and his hair hangs in his eyes. His eyes are still blue but a darker shade, something beautiful that I can’t describe. His teeth dig into his lip as he watches me, his pants increasing by the second. Now his skin is completely wet and slides easily in and out of my hand. I don’t know how long I’m supposed to do this but my jaw is getting tired and I release him with a wet pop. He pulls me forward and kisses me roughly, his hands grasping my face. 

“God you’re amazing,” he sighs. He starts to flip us so I am on my back and his fingers work the button on my jeans. Once I am left in nothing but my simple cotton panties, he looks up at me as if he wants to make sure I am sure. I nod and lift my hips so he can slide them off me. I don’t know what he is seeing but his sharp intake of breath and the way his eyes look like they are about to pop out of his head make me nervous. I cross my legs, feeling utterly exposed and he swoops down and kisses me. His lips move from my mouth to my neck, where he sucks at my throat, tenderly kissing the cut there. From there he moves to my clavicle, pressing kisses right at my heart, and moving down to my breast. I’ve never known such exquisite agony until he takes my nipple into his mouth and sucks. I arch my back and cry out his name and his eyes meet mine.

“Oh I want to hear you scream my name all night, Katniss.” He moves to my other breast, while his fingers pluck at the first one and lavishes them both. He doesn’t stay there though and I whine as he moves his head away, until I realize where he is going. He places a kiss on my bellybutton and then on my hipbone. He spreads my legs and runs a finger over my folds. I shiver and buck my hips and he does it again. “My god you’re so wet.” I’m not sure how to respond or if that means something is wrong. I start to sit up and shake my head.

“I’m sorry, I just--“

“Hey, don’t be sorry. It means you’re enjoying this. It means you want me.” I lie back and nod.

“I do,” I say quietly. His eyes darken even more and he leans down to kiss me. I feel his finger push into me and I gasp. He lowers his forehead to my breast and he pants against my skin.

“So tight too. God Katniss, you’ve never done this before, have you?” I’d have thought it was obvious; he knows he was my first kiss. Or does he? Does he think I did this with Gale? I know the Capitol planted things in his mind but we never talked about that before he was hijacked, so how would he know?  
I shake my head and lean up on my elbows.

“Only you.” He leans back, his eyes wide.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Not even Ga--“

“No,” I cut him off. “Never. I’ve never even…you know, touched myself.” He looks stunned.

“The Capitol…showed me videos. Of you and him. Of us on the train. I thought they had to be made up…but I didn’t know…that you haven’t…”

“So you have?” I don’t know why I ask it. I don’t want to know if he has made another girl scream before. I don’t want to think about him giving himself to anyone else. 

“I’ve done stuff,” he mutters. “But never went all the way. That I was hoping for…someone else.” He swallows thickly and I pull him back down to my lips. He’s mine. No one else’s. Even if he leaves tomorrow and finds someone in a few months, we had this one night.  
He sucks at my throat and his hand goes back to my breast.

“That night, when we woke up and…” I tense and his palm flattens over my stomach. “What were you dreaming about, Katniss?” I decide to be honest with him. Too many times I have lied to him and really, what does it matter now? We are more naked than we were in that dream. 

“You.” He groans against my neck and my nails trail down his back.

“We were on the beach…in the quell…and we were kissing…and touching. You were…touching my breast.” His hands go to said objects of conversation and squeeze.

“Like that?”

“Yes,” I breathe.

“What else?” 

“You brought me into your lap and I…I felt you underneath me. Hard.” He presses his hardness against my thigh and I whimper. 

“You moved your hand into my suit. Your fingers were teasing me.” 

“Like this?” His fingers find my folds again and I feel even wetter than before. 

“Yes, like tha--AH!” My back arches off the bed as he finds something incredible. His smile grows smug and he nods.

“There it is.” He pays special attention to that spot, circling around my folds but always coming back to it. When he pushes a finger inside me, his thumb remains on that spot. 

“I woke up and you were panting my name.”

“Peeta,” I gasp.

“Yes exactly like that. I was so hard and you were grinding up against me and god, I just wanted it to be real.”

“It’s real,” I say, tossing my head. I feel myself getting closer to something, though I can’t tell what it is. I’m chasing this feeling and it keeps escaping me. 

“Come for me, Katniss. I’m right here to catch you.”

“Oh…oh…Peeta!” I feel like I am soaring through the sky and I’m seeing stars. My body relaxes and he withdraws his fingers from between my legs. I open my eyes to see him sucking on his fingers and I blush bright red.

“Damn that was amazing. Next time I want to use my tongue to make you do that.” Next time? Will there be a next time? I smile and he curls up to me, his hardness pressing to my inner thigh. 

“It’s ok if you don’t want to go further tonight, Katniss,” he whispers as he strokes my hair.

“No, I want this. I want you.” I lean over him and kiss him deeply.

“I need you.” He flips us again and grips my hip while he rubs himself through my folds, coating himself in my wetness. He pushes into me a little and pauses. He’s gentle and slow, making sure I am ok before he continues. When we feel him reach my barrier, he leans over and kisses my forehead. 

“Ready?” I grip his biceps and nod and he surges forward. He swallows my cry with his kisses and he licks away my tears. It’s painful but I breathe through it; nothing I haven’t dealt with before. Soon, the pain subsides and I feel only pressure. His nostrils flare as he withdraws and pushes back in slowly. I can tell he is holding himself back, not wanting to hurt me. I wrap my legs around his waist and cross my ankles.

“Make love to me, Peeta.” That does it. His hips snap forward and he hits something deep inside me that makes me moan. 

“Katniss,” he groans. “You feel so amazing.” As his thrusts grow more erratic, I feel the pleasure grow again. 

“Oh god I can’t last much longer. God I love you!” I gasp as something warm surges into me and he collapses on my chest. His curls tickle my nipple and I bring my hand to rest on his head. His warm breath on my chest makes me forget about his weight and I wrap my arms around him, holding him close, shielding him from the horrors of this world. He comes to and moves off me; I feel empty and desolate without him. I am sore between my legs but I’m sated and content. He nuzzles up to me and pulls me into his arms. The last thing I register before I succumb to sleep is him whispering three earth-shattering words again in my ear.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I wake up, I see that the sun hasn’t even fully risen yet. I feel sore and sticky and disentangle myself from those strong arms, doing my best not to wake him. He sleeps with a contented smile, his face utterly relaxed. His long lashes flutter on his cheeks and the sheets barely cover his pelvis. I have to get out of here before I do something stupid like jump on him or tell him I love him. 

After a shower, I feel much better and I open the door to find him sitting up in bed, his arms stretched behind his head.

“Good morning,” he says with a broad smile.

“Morning. I need to get to the woods while it’s still early. When were you planning to leave? I mean…I’ll see you before you go, right?”

“Katniss.” He gives me a look and pats the bed next to him. I climb in beside him and nuzzle up to his chest. His arms wrap around me and I temporarily forget everything.

“Last night was amazing,” he says into my hair.

“It was,” I agree. 

“I don’t have to leave you know.” 

“But you said you wanted to find yourself. That you needed some time.”

“That was before…Katniss, I didn’t think you felt that way about me. I mean, I’ve fallen in love with you all over again but I was content to be your friend if that’s all you wanted.” My heart sinks with every word. He can’t feel like this. I don’t want him to leave but he deserves better than 12. He deserves a life, a happy life, a complete life and he won’t find that here. Or with me. 

“If you want me to stay, then I’ll stay.” I can’t look at him. I can’t stand to see the love in his eyes.

 

“I don’t want you to go, Peeta, but you need to. You need to find happiness.”

“I’ve found happiness,” he says urgently. “With you.”

“No. I can’t make you happy.”

“You DO make me happy.”

“No,” I say again, louder this time. I sit up, needing to get away from his embrace, as much as it kills me to be away from him. “I’ll never marry or have children, Peeta. And you deserve all of that. You deserve a family. A wife who will love you with everything she has. I can’t give you any of that.”

“Katniss, I don’t need all of that,” he reaches for my hands. “All I want is you.”

“You say that now but in five years? Ten? You’ll regret staying with me. You’ll regret not having a family.”

“I wouldn’t regret being with you! I’ve loved you since I was a little boy. I don’t need anything else if I have you.” 

“You need to leave 12, Peeta. You need to travel and see the world. You said yourself you need to remember who you were. I can’t help you do that! What happens if you have another flashback? Worse than your last one, I mean. And you wake up to find me dead.” His eyes widen and his face is etched with pain. I have to hurt him. I have to make him leave. He can’t stay here. 12 will destroy him. 

“You don’t belong here anymore, Peeta. There’s nothing left for you here.”

“I have you, don’t I?” His voice is so small and timid that it tears at my heart.

“I’ll always care about you.” His eyes narrow.

“What was last night then? Just your way to say goodbye?”

“I wanted to give you something that was precious to me. A way to remember me by. A piece of me to take with you, wherever you go.” He shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair.

“I can’t believe this. What are you trying to do, Katniss? Are you trying to mess me up even more? Do you get pleasure in seeing how fucked up I can get?” 

“Peeta of course not. It’s just--“

“Just what? What is it? Tell me, please, because right now, I definitely can’t understand why you would fuck someone if you don’t love them.” I wince at his foul words.

“You said yourself, sex could be an escape.” He gapes at me, his jaw wide open.

“That was all it was to you then? A way for you to forget? You were just USING me?”

“No! I wanted that with you! I wanted it before the Quarter Quell! I wanted YOU!”

“But you don’t love me!” I rear back and bring my arms around myself. 

“I’m tired of this, Katniss. Just tell me. Just tell me if it was real.” I blink back tears; he can’t see me cry.

“You love me…real or not real?” I remember in the Quell I dreamed about a place where Peeta could raise his children in love and safety. For a moment, I imagine myself beside him. But how could that ever be? I could never raise a child. I’m too damaged, too…fucked up as Peeta says. He deserves someone like Delly…a cute Merchant girl who can take care of him. Give him beautiful blue-eyed blonde babies. Someone who isn’t covered in scars.

Someone who’s not me.

“Not real,” I say in the quietest of voices. But I know he hears me. His sharp intake of breath makes my tears fall and he leans back against the bed.

“Right,” he finally says and the hollowness of it makes me look away. When I chance a look at his face, I regret it.  
Emptiness. No pain. No anger. Just emptiness. 

I’ve destroyed him. It’s worse than when I told him it was all an act. I have completely destroyed him now.

Now he has to leave. He has nothing left here. Absolutely nothing. 

Without another word, he moves off the bed and bends to grab his clothes. I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs and the door open and slam shut. After he’s gone, I fall forward into the blankets and sob. I sob even harder when I realize they smell like him. That unique mixture of cinnamon and dill and I can only describe it as Peeta. 

I’ve lost him. I’ve lost the boy with the bread.


	2. Chapter 2

When I return from the woods, I see his house is dark and I know he’s left. He left without saying goodbye. It’s what I deserve. I fall forward onto his porch and weep into my hands. I hope he finds happiness, wherever he’s gone. And I hope he doesn’t think of me too often. I thought giving him my virginity would make it easier to let him go, as a final gift. But I see the truth in his words and it’s more like some kind of sick, twisted goodbye. What have I done?   
Sae comes over the next morning with a basket of cheesebuns. There’s no note but she said he brought them over last night. 

“He’s really gone,” I say as I finger the basket.

“He’ll be back someday, child.” I nod but I don’t agree. I’ve given him every reason to stay far away. And I hope he will. I don’t deserve him. 12 doesn’t deserve him.   
\--------------------------------------------------------------

It takes me a few days to get up out of bed but as Peeta said, I’m not the same as when he first came home. I force myself to eat and to go work with the construction crews. I force myself not to think of him too much. I fail miserably.   
\------------------

A few weeks go by and I think I must have caught some sort of bug; I’m in the bathroom almost all day, puking my guts out and I can barely keep anything down. I finally swallow my pride and dial the phone with shaking fingers.   
Mom makes light conversation but then says she can’t diagnose me from there and tells me she will be in 12 tomorrow. I’m rather nervous about seeing her again but feel that longing a daughter develops for her mother. I felt it quite a bit as a child and now I feel it again. 

I go meet her at the train station and we fall into each other’s arms. The conversation is strained at first but we warm up. I can see how much better she is as well. She cheerfully talks about the hospital she volunteers for and how Annie is doing, and all about her young son, Finn. I start to answer her but feel a wave of nausea coming over me and I run into the bathroom.   
When I come out, she checks my temperature and my vitals. She examines me and makes me sit while she pokes and prods at me for hours. Finally, she looks into my eyes and clears her throat.

“Katniss…have you had your period yet?”

“It’s a little late but it always has been,” I reply. “My period doesn’t make me throw up like this though.”

“Have you, ah…” she has difficulty continuing and my brow furrows.

“Just say it, Mom.”

“Well you said that Peeta was living here for awhile…did you two ever…you know?” My face burns and I want to run and hide.

“Mom!”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to ask but…Katniss, could you be pregnant?” Suddenly the world tilts and I go crashing to the floor. She kneels next to me and my hands hover over my stomach.

“Oh my god! Oh my god!”

“Don’t freak out until we are sure,” she soothes me.   
\----------------

The next hour is the most uncomfortable I have ever had to endure. She gives me a thorough examination and gives me a sad smile as she washes her hands.

“You’re pregnant, Katniss.” 

I faint from those words alone.   
\----------------------------

The next few days, Mom and I get into multiple fights; I’m actually surprised she doesn’t pack up and leave. She says I have to tell Peeta and I come out with the whole story. She then yells at me for being a foolish, selfish girl. She apologizes later and assures me she will help me however she can. 

I’ve always been a small girl. The Capitol may have added some meat to my bones but my hips stick out, my breasts are almost non-existant, and my stomach is flat. That being said, as the baby starts to grow, the rest of me does too and it shocks me to no end. I cry when I look at my reflection and see the bump below my belly. Mom appears behind me and sighs.

“What are you going to do when the baby comes, Katniss? You have to tell him, honey.” 

“He’ll hate me, Mom.”

“He loves you,” she says firmly. “And he’ll come back to help you.”

“But I don’t want him to! I want him to stay away from 12. To find a life away from me.” She sighs again and rests her hands on my shoulders.

“What you asked me the other day…we can still take those measures if you really want to. I don’t want you to but it’s not about what I want. It’s about you.” I swallow thickly and study my baby bump. I begged Mom at first to help me get rid of it. She said I needed some time to really think about it and then I stopped asking her. But I asked her again last week and she said she could get the necessary herbs. 

“I think a baby is a blessing, Katniss, and that you’ll make a wonderful mother. But I’ll support you no matter what.” She leaves me and I continue to stare at the little bump. A baby. Mine and Peeta’s baby. I suddenly see a little toddler on chubby legs with a head full of golden curls. Bright blue eyes that sparkle in the light. That’s what’s growing inside me.   
\---------------------

A few days later, I tell Mom I can’t do it. She seems relieved but doesn’t say anything as she ladles soup into my bowl. While she is taking a nap, I go see Haymitch. As usual, he is passed out drunk and I fling cold water over his head. 

“Damn it girl, you can’t think of another way to wake me?”

“This way’s more fun. Haymitch I need your help.”

“You’ve got some nerve, coming in here and asking--“

“I need to find Peeta.” He freezes and his eyes narrow.

“What makes you think I know where he is?”

“I know he told you where he was going. Please Haymitch, I need to find him.”

“What makes you think he wants to be found? You broke his heart. You stomped all over it, like you always have. Just let him go, Katniss.”

“Haymitch, please.”

“Even if I wanted to tell you, I couldn’t. He didn’t leave me an address. Just said he would write when he settles down. Leave it be, sweetheart. You told him to go find a life away from you. So let him try.”

“But…I just…” my eyes slam shut as tears stream down my cheeks. Without another word, I flee back to my own house.

I refuse to go see Haymitch again.   
\-----------------------------------

Mom calls Annie to check on her and Finn and Annie tells us she’s seen Peeta. 

“She said he passed through 4 and stopped by to see them. He’s been traveling with Delly Cartwright.” Something seizes my heart and refuses to let go. Delly has had eyes for Peeta since we were kids. They were best friends after all. It’s fitting, I guess, for them to end up together. Mom watches me carefully.

“She said he left a number for her to reach him. We could try--“

“He’s gone, Mom,” I say numbly. “Just let him move on with Delly. I can raise this baby on my own.” 

“Katniss,” she sighs but I don’t want to hear anymore. I go upstairs and fall onto the bed.  
\-----------------------------------------------

My favorite part of the pregnancy is singing to my baby. I think he or she likes it; my voice seems to calm and relax. The baby is an active little thing most of the time; always kicking or moving around. I complained to Mom and she smiled and patted my hand.

“Just be prepared for a wild little one. You were so much trouble when you were born.”

“I was not,” I protest and she laughs. 

“You were wild. You never wanted to be held and your father always wanted to hold you. The midwife said she’d never heard a baby scream so loud when you were born.” 

“Maybe I knew what kind of world I was being born into and didn’t want to be here,” I mumble. She sits across from me and takes my hand.

“Katniss, I understand your fear but you needn’t be afraid anymore. The Games are no more. President Paylor has helped Panem and 12 isn’t starving anymore. This is the world I wish you were born into. You can be proud to bring your child into it because you helped bring it to fruition. You’ve done so much for this country and this district…you should be proud. Really.” I wish I were. But all I can think about are the sacrifices. And the fact that it all started for my sister and I still lost her in the end. 

I decide to take a nap but the baby is much too active for me to actually sleep. 

“Would you please stop moving around in there,” I plead, my hand pressed to my stomach. The baby ignores me and continues to kick.   
\-----------------------

I’m grateful that Mom has stayed with me because I have moments where I completely lose myself. I’m terrified I won’t be able to do this and I even have a moment where I try to scratch the baby out. Mom keeps me supplied with calming draught and lots of chamomile tea. 

“Are you sure Annie is alright without you?”

“She’s just fine. She’s better as well. We all are.” 

“I wish I could go see little Finn. From the pictures he looks just like Finnick.”

“He does. He’s a wily little thing too. Likes to sneak up and scare his mama.” 

“Do you think she’ll look like Peeta?” She turns and finds me covering my belly with my palms.

“I think she will have a little bit of both of you.” 

“I sort of hope she looks more like him. In case I never see him again.” Her reply is cut off by a knock at the door. She goes to answer it and comes back with Haymitch behind her. He waves a postcard in the air.

“Thought you should know, the kid is in 7. Think he’s staying with Johanna for a while. He says to give his best to everyone.” 

“So you came over to give me his best?” 

“I told him I’d keep an eye on you.” My brow raises and I slam my hands against the table.

“Oh you’re reporting back to him, are you? Telling him how I am doing without him? Have you told him about this?” I rise, shakily to my feet and his jaw drops.

“Oh holy fuck.” Mom swats his shoulder.

“Manners,” she says, reminding me of Effie. 

“But you…what…when…WHY the HELL wouldn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t particularly want to see you again after you reminded me how I broke Peeta’s heart.” Haymitch’s face scrunches up and he runs his fingers through his unkempt hair.

“Jesus sweetheart, I’m sorry but…why didn’t you tell me? If I had known, I’d never…I wouldn’t…I’m just sorry.”

“Whatever Haymitch. I know he’s happy with Delly. He doesn’t need to come back now.”

“Are you insane? He is going to ballistic when he finds out you’ve hidden this from him.”

“He doesn’t HAVE to find out! Mom said she wouldn’t reach out to him and now you have to promise too!”

“Katniss--“

“Promise!” He sighs and shakes his head.

“Fine. I won’t tell him. I still think you should though. I can’t believe you’re going to keep this from him. What he’s wanted more than anything in the world and you’re going to hide it. That’s pretty damn selfish of you, sweetheart. But you’ve always been pretty selfish.” 

“I think you should be going, Haymitch,” Mom says quietly.

“I think so too. I can’t believe you’re helping her with this.”

“Good night, Haymitch.” Her voice is sharper than a moment ago and I wince as she slams the door. 

“He’s right though, Mom. I’m being so selfish and…I need to tell him.” She doesn’t say anything but hands me a piece of paper with a number on it. 

“Call him.” And she leaves me alone. I go to the phone and take a deep breath before dialing the number.

“Hello?” It’s not Peeta who answers but I know who it is.

“Delly? It’s…It’s Katniss.”

“Oh…Katniss,” she sounds angry. So un-Delly like. “What can I do for you?”

“I um…can I speak to Peeta?”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” she bristles. “What could he possibly have to say to you?” Damn has he told everyone what I did?

“I just…really need to talk to him, Delly.”

“Well I’m sorry Katniss but he’s in the shower. I’ll tell him you called. I doubt he will return your call but you can hope.”

“Delly just tell him…” I can’t. I can’t tell him he’s going to be a father through another woman. 

“Katniss,” she sighs. “I get it. I do. Life is hard for you and… your sister…I know how much she meant to you. You’re messed up, I mean, we all are. I saw you in 13. I know how you struggled. But don’t you think you should keep him away from all of that mess? Don’t you think you should give him a chance to be happy?” Tears stain my cheeks as I press my forehead to the wall.

“Yes,” I croak out. “I want him to be happy.”

“So let him try,” she says gently. “Give him a chance to find a life without you. Let someone else make him happy.” 

“You mean like you?” It comes out sharper than I intended and I close my eyes.

“I’ll tell him you called. Goodbye Katniss.” 

“Wait--“ but I hear the dial tone and I drop to my knees. 

Mom finds me and pulls me to her chest, telling me to just cry it out. I soak her dress with my tears and then she helps me to the couch and covers me with a blanket. She kisses my forehead and turns the light out.   
\--------------------------

I dream of a meadow, surrounded by dandelions. I watch my daughter toddle forward on cute chubby legs. She turns to smile at me and her eyes are as grey as mine. I hear deep laughter beside me and turn to see him spread out on a blanket.

“Look what we did, Katniss. Look what we did together.” I turn again and see our little girl picking up a dandelion.

“She’s beautiful.” He nods and pulls me to his chest.

“She’s everything I ever wanted. Because we made her together.” 

 

My eyes snap open and I weep into the blankets.   
\-----------------------------------------------

Haymitch has sort of reached an unspoken agreement to help Mom and not saying anything about Peeta to me. He runs to the store when we need him to and he is surprisingly sober most of the time now. When I mention it to him one night, he shrugs and takes a moment before answering.

“I would really like to meet my niece or nephew and not be a drunken fool.” My eyes widen in shock and I’m left speechless. He turns to me and grunts.

“I wish the kid could see you like this. You’re a beauty, Katniss, you know, like this,” he waves toward my stomach and I cover it with my hands.

“Is he happy, Haymitch?” It’s the first time in months that I have asked about him.

“He seems to be, I guess. He’s definitely seeing the world and he’s even painting again. Said Johanna convinced him to sell some of his paintings. Don’t know if they were more interested in the painting or the painter but he made some good money off them.   
He’s in District 3 now, been studying with Beetee a little.”

“And…Delly?”

“What about her?”

“Oh come on Haymitch, don’t make me say it!”

“I don’t know anything about his social life, sweetheart. I don’t ask. I don’t want to know. You kids have been like…well, my own kids. It’s hard enough to think about the fact that he knocked you up.” 

“Ugh, Haymitch,” I grimace.

“Exactly. Not too fun for me to think about either.” He takes a drink of water and sighs.

“So, you decided what you’re going to do after the baby comes?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Paylor lifted your exile didn’t she? So you want to stay in 12, or you think you’ll go to 4 with your mom?”

“I…I haven’t really thought about it. 12 has always been my home but there’s way too many memories here now.” He nods thoughtfully.

“Think that’s another reason the kid left. Too many painful memories to deal with. They just became too much.” Where can I see myself raising my daughter? Being in 4 with Mom and Annie sounds good but another part of me just wants to take her and run. Far away where we can both be safe. 

“I guess I’ll decide when she comes.”

“She?” I nod and look down at my belly.

“Yes. I think it’s a girl. I just have a feeling.”

“Your mom says you’re carrying low and that it’s probably a boy. Guess we will find out soon.”

“A few weeks she says.” He leans over and pats my knee.

“I’m proud of you, Katniss. I know it hasn’t been easy but I think you’re doing a wonderful thing. And I hope the little one makes you happy.” 

“Thanks Haymitch.” We fall into silence and I gaze up at the stars.

“Hey, Grandpa Haymitch has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Oh no,” he shakes his head. “Uncle. Uncle Haymitch.” 

“Sure old man. We’ll see what she decides to call you.” 

“Knowing you, sweetheart, she’ll call me a bad name by the time she’s three.”

\-------------------------------------------------

It’s a stormy night in October when I feel excruciating pain come over me. Mom tells me to breathe, Haymitch holds my hand, Sae paces around with towels and wringing hands. 

At 3:17 in the morning I hear high-pitched wailing and I collapse onto the bed. Mom comes around, her arms full of blankets.

“Your daughter is beautiful, Katniss,” she says softly as she lowers her arms. She teaches me how to hold her and I am in love immediately. How can you love someone so fiercely after such a short time?   
She has a little tuft of hair and her eyes are as blue as her father’s. After her initial wail when she first came into the world, she hasn’t cried since then. Mom says it’s unusual, for a baby not to cry. But my daughter is calm and sleeps contentedly in my arms. 

“She’s perfect, sweetheart,” Haymitch grins at us from the foot of the bed.

“What will you call her,” Mom sits on the edge, stroking my forehead.

“Pearl,” I say immediately. “Pearl Mellark.” 

“You’re giving her his name,” Mom sounds surprised.

“Well why not? The kid is her father after all.”

“But she won’t know that. She won’t ever meet him. Katniss are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I want to honor him some way,” I say, never taking my eyes off her face. “It’s the least I can do.” Mom falls silent and I gaze down at my little girl until she wakes, screaming. 

“Her lungs certainly work, don’t they,” Haymitch yells over the noise.

“She’s probably hungry. Haymitch if you could wait outside, I’m going to teach Katniss how to feed her.” Haymitch ducks out of the room quickly and I blush as Mom shows me how to hold my nipple to my baby’s mouth. 

“Help her latch on…it will feel strange at first but feeding your baby is a wonderful bonding experience. There she goes.” It does feel strange but I watch her feed and her round eyes lock on mine. The sight of that startling blue takes my breath away and I stroke her head.

“My beautiful little Pearl.” I kiss her head and rock her gently while she eats; she quickly falls asleep again and Mom says I need to sleep too. I’m too content in staring at her. I can’t believe she is mine. How I wish Peeta were here to see her. I know he would love her as much as I do.


	3. Chapter 3

Mom says we are not supposed to leave the house until Pearl is six weeks old and I grow restless and irritated in the house. Mom offers to watch her while I go to the woods but I can’t leave her for more than a few minutes. Even going to the bathroom, I panic and run back to hold her again. Haymitch adores her too. He holds her and makes funny faces at her and she even giggles; Mom says she’s never heard of a baby giggling at such a young age. She’s Peeta’s daughter, after all. He is the kindest person I have ever known and always had a smile for everyone.   
\----------------------------------------------  
Pearl’s little tuft of dark hair becomes golden curls and her eyes get even bluer if that’s possible. Her little rosy cheeks are perfect for squeezing and I find myself smothering her with kisses. When she’s seven weeks old, Mom arranges for all of us to go to 4 with her. I’m excited to see Annie and her son.   
Pearl’s first time on a train is quite an adventure. Though she’s calm for the first part of the trip, she becomes a hysterical mess as we approach 4. I keep her in my compartment so she won’t bother the other passengers. I’m exhausted when we arrive.   
\-----------------  
Mom takes us to her little one bedroom house, not far from Victor’s Village. She watches Pearl while I take a short nap; I feed her before we set out to explore the district. With Pearl strapped to my chest, I take in everything. It’s really beautiful here; the water is so blue that I can see the bottom in some places. It’s a lot warmer here as well. I take Pearl into the water with me and she shrieks and giggles when her little toes touch the water.   
\----------------  
Annie comes over for dinner and of course, brings little Finn. I’m stunned when I see how much he looks like Finnick. Annie’s eyes grow wide when she sees my daughter strapped to my chest. 

“Oh Katniss, I had no idea!”

“Not many did. Annie, meet little Pearl. Pearl, this is your Mama’s friend, Miss Annie.”

“She’s beautiful, Katniss.”

“Thank you,” I say warmly, looking down at my daughter. She really is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. Annie lifts Finn up to see her closer. He smiles and strokes her head gently, then puts his finger to his lips. I nod and repeat the gesture and Annie puts him back down.   
\--------------------  
While Mom watches Finn and Pearl, Annie takes me to the beach where we dip our toes into the surf. I quietly tell her the whole story and like a true friend, she listens without judgement. 

“Katniss,” she finally speaks. “I won’t tell you what to do but you should know that he misses you. He talks about you all the time and…he gets this sad look on his face when he does. I can tell he is trying not to but it just happens and he goes quiet and looks so pained. Maybe you should talk to him while you’re here in 4?”

“He’s here?” She nods and kicks the sand.

“He’s settled down on the other side of town. Don’t know how long he will stay because he doesn’t seem to stay in one place but he seems to like it here. I think you should go see him.” 

“What do I say, Annie? How do I tell him this?”

“You start with hello,” she says softly. “And tell him you miss him. And that you lied. You love him.”

“I…I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” she presses. “What would I give to have another chance to talk to Finnick!” My heart races and I lower my head in shame.

“Just for a moment. To tell him all the things I never told him. To show him a picture of our son. Peeta isn’t dead, Katniss. You can still fix it. You can still talk to him. He might be upset but he’ll forgive you. You forget that I was in his cell with him in the Capitol. I know how hard the Capitol had to work to make him hate you. How long it took, how much pain it took. It’s because of the love he felt for you. The love he held onto.” Tears come at her words and I shake my hair out of my eyes. She rests her hand on mine, then turns and walks further into the water. She holds her dress up around her knees and giggles as the waves threaten to knock her over. I don’t know what to make of it but I know she’s right; I need to see him. 

“Do you have his address, Annie?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”  
\------------------------  
As soon as Mom and Pearl are asleep, I creep out and head across town. His house isn’t far from Annie’s and I stealthily move across peoples’ lawns, looking for the number. At last I find it and I sigh at the warmth coming from inside. Light floods through the windows and the curtains are wide open. 

I can see Delly sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine. She looks up and her face breaks into a smile at something across the room. And then I see him. His back is to me but I recognize those golden curls and those broad shoulders. She jumps to her feet and throws her arms around his neck. Was he always that much taller than her?

And then my heart bursts with pain as I watch him lean down and kiss her. Her hands move up into those curls and grip them tightly as his hands wrap around her.  
I can’t watch anymore. Annie was wrong; Peeta has moved on after all. He’s found love and happiness. 

I quietly slip away into the night, back to Mom’s house. I watch my daughter sleep and lean down to stroke her curls.

“From now on, it’s just you and me,” I whisper to her. I stay up all night, making plans. I can’t stay in 4 now. There’s always the chance I could run into him and then what would I do? I don’t want to return to 12 either. 

“We’ll disappear together,” I say to the dark room. “No one will find us, my little Pearl. I’ll keep you safe. Always.”   
\----------------------  
I’d like to say goodbye to Mom but I know she will argue with me and try to convince me to stay so I write her a brief note instead. With my daughter strapped to my chest again, I slip into the night and board a train. I’m not exactly sure where we are going but I hope I know when we get there.   
\--------------  
We travel for weeks and I’m shocked at how well-behaved Pearl is being. It’s like she can sense that her mother is searching for a refuge for us both and she stays calm through our journey. 

It turns out that the mountains of District 2 sort of call out to me. I stay far away from town but am able to find a quaint little cabin that is perfect for Pearl and me. My Victors winnings help me fix it up quite nicely and I fashion a cute little nursery for Pearl, although I keep her bed in my bedroom. I can’t stand being in another room from her for too long. I hope I grow out of this because I will have an angry little teenager on my hands if I don’t.   
\--------------  
By the time she is two, my little girl looks so much like her father. The way her tongue pokes out of the corner of her mouth when she sits and colors or the way her long golden lashes catch the light. Her blue eyes blinking up at me and her lips curving into a sweet smile. I miss him every day but I dread the day when she starts to ask questions about him.   
\---------------------  
The rain pelts at me as I race home. I throw my cloak and bow aside and find my nanny waiting on the porch.

“Is she awake?” She nods and slips away silently. We have an interesting relationship. She’s an Avox who adores Pearl and I don’t have to talk a lot. It’s comforting and   
Pearl has fun with her. She’s really helped out when I go far into the mountains to hunt, or into town for supplies.

I find my daughter drawing on the couch. 

“Where’s my little girl,” I call, smiling when she huffs.

“Mommy! Right here!”

“Oh THERE you are! My sweet little three year old! What do you want for your birthday breakfast?”

“Cheesebuns!” I can’t help but laugh; they aren’t nearly as good as Peeta’s but I’ve tried to perfect them over the years. She’s become as fond of them as I am. 

“Ok, cheesebuns for my birthday girl. You were supposed to be sleeping, why are you up so early?”

“I drawed this for you!” She holds up the paper and I smile. She’s gotten her daddy’s talent for art too. 

“This is beautiful, Pearl! Is this me?” She nods eagerly.

“And this little princess is you, I imagine?” I notice another figure, sort of hovering in the background and I frown.

“But who’s this, sweetheart?”

“My Daddy.” My blood runs cold and I almost crinkle the paper.

“Your daddy?”

“I have one, right?”

“Well, of course you do.” How is she asking me this? It’s not like Laura can talk and tell her about her father.

“Where he go?” I swallow. I’m not ready for this conversation. Not in the slightest. 

“We will talk about Daddy later, baby. Come on, come help Mama make your cheesebuns.” The thought of the delicious treat pushes her daddy from her mind but I’m terrified when she will bring it up again.   
\----------------------  
I’ve only called Mom and Haymitch once to assure them Pearl and I were both safe. I got an earful from both of them but I don’t care. I’m happy with Pearl and I don’t need anything else. I take Pearl into town and teach her what she needs to know. She’s growing up beautifully and I’m proud to call myself her mother. Though I miss Peeta every day, I know he is happy. I didn’t tell either of them where I was, for fear they would tell Peeta one day. It still haunts me, how someone could find us and destroy this little safe haven I have created. How my past could destroy Pearl’s future.

I finally asked Haymitch to do one thing for me and as much as I know he will hate me for it, he will do it because he owes me this. 

So it doesn’t come as a huge surprise, when I’m shopping for groceries and Pearl walks by my side, that I see my picture on the large TV. 

“Pearl, do you want to go play on the playset for a little bit?”

“Yes Mommy!” I know many of the mothers who watch the playset; they don’t know who I really am but they adore Pearl and allow her to play with their children. I wave back to Shimmer, who greets Pearl cheerfully. I edge closer to the TV and try to make out what they are saying.

“--disappearance of Katniss Everdeen. Sources say she fled District 12 after her exile was lifted by President Paylor and that she never returned. Though foul play was ruled out, now almost 3 years later, sources are saying something likely happened to the Mockingjay. Armed forces have been asking questioning those close to Everdeen and Victor Haymitch Abernathy, Everdeen’s former mentor, refused to speak to press until this afternoon. His confession that he thinks something has happened to her has shaken the country.” I gasp when I see Haymitch’s tired face on the screen.

“Katniss and I always had a complicated relationship but I knew her well. And I know she wouldn’t just disappear when she has people who love her. Something happened to her. I just don’t know what or when.”

Oh Haymitch. Thank you.

 

“You want me to WHAT?” I remember him growling in my ear.

“Haymitch, please. I’m tired of being afraid that someone will find out where I am. It’s time to close the door on Katniss Everdeen for good. I can’t stand to think what   
Pearl will say if she discovers who I really am.”

“Katniss, she’ll be proud of who you are!”

“Why? Because I almost ate a couple of berries and started a rebellion? Got millions of people killed, including my own district? Including her own aunt and uncles and her grandparents? Sorry Haymitch but I don’t think that’s much to be proud of. I just want to forget the past. I want to stop living in fear.”

“So what, you want me to pretend you’re dead? And what will happen when the kid sees it and calls me, all panicked?”

“He hasn’t asked about me in years has he?” He’s silent and I nod.

“Thought so. Haymitch, please do this for me. For Pearl.”

“Oh you’re low, using that little girl to get what you want.” 

“Think of how she will react if she ever learns about her mother’s past. How her father nearly killed her.” 

“Alright, alright! I’ll talk to the press. But this is going to blow up in our faces; I just know it is.”

I head back to the playset and smile when I see Pearl running around with the other kids. 

“Hey baby, it’s time to go home,” I call. She runs straight into my arms and I lift her up, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. She giggles and wraps her arms around my neck and I grin at the other mothers as I carry her home. I walk away without another glance at the screen that says in big letters ‘Death of the Mockingjay’. It’s time to stop being scared. The world can mourn me if they wish, though I doubt many will, but I’m ready to throw it all aside for this little piece of heaven in my arms.


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey Peeta? You might want to come take a look at this.” I sigh and toss the piping bag aside. 

“If you want me to finish this wedding cake for you and Delly, you’d better let me work.” My brother glares at me from the couch. 

“You’ll finish it because you know Delly will kill us both if you don’t.”

“You let her wear the pants in this relationship,” I snort. 

My house has been overtaken by everything wedding-related and since my brother is marrying my best friend, I can’t really protest to it. 

We discovered Whitley was alive while we were traveling, years ago. Whitley had a thing for Delly when we were younger and he asked if he could take her out. I prefer not to think about how one thing led to another but when they announced their engagement I was genuinely happy for them. Since he’s come back, Whitley and I have gotten closer. We were always pretty close until the Games. He felt guilty for not volunteering in my place and as the second-born, he felt like he had to live up to Mom’s expectations a lot more than Rye did. We’ve settled in District 5, both Whitley and I opening up a bakery together with Delly running the business side of it. We’ve become pretty popular and I’m thankful that I’m not mobbed by the press anymore; the ‘star-crossed lovers’ business died down after I left 12 and people hardly rush up to me on the street anymore. Dare I say life is semi-normal. I can’t help but miss her but she did give me a chance to heal and have a normal life.

“What can I say, when you’re in love, you act like a stupid fool,” he laughs. I’m quiet and he knows he’s crossed a line. We don’t talk about love. He knows how painful it is. How I still think about--

“Peet, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--“

“It’s fine,” I say quickly, not wanting to get into it with him. “What did you want me for?”

“This,” he gestures to the TV, looking wary, and I turn in time to see huge red letters flashing on the screen.

DEATH OF THE MOCKINGJAY?

I fall to my knees, reaching out to grip the couch. 

“No,” I barely whisper. I shake my head as they display a picture of Katniss, pleading to whoever might be listening that it’s not true.

“Our team continues to look into the disappearance of Katniss Everdeen. Sources say she fled District 12 after her exile was lifted by President Paylor and that she never returned. Though foul play was ruled out, now almost 3 years later, sources are saying something likely happened to the Mockingjay. Armed forces have been asking questioning those close to Everdeen and Victor Haymitch Abernathy, Everdeen’s former mentor, refused to speak to press until this afternoon. His confession that he thinks something has happened to her has shaken the country.” 

“Katniss and I always had a complicated relationship but I knew her well. And I know she wouldn’t just disappear when she has people who love her. Something happened to her. I just don’t know what or when.”  
Haymitch’s face disappears and the news reporter comes back on, talking about the last time people saw Katniss. He goes on to say she is now presumed dead and a candlelight vigil is being held. Videos of people in different districts flash by, all with pained looks on their faces. I find it harder to breathe and I clutch my stomach.

Whitley watches me anxiously and bites his lip.

“Peet?” I feel dizzy and wish the room would just stop spinning. 

“Hey Del, can you come in here?”

“What’s…Peeta!” My best friend kneels in front of me and strokes my hair.

“What is it? Peeta what’s wrong?”

“Katniss…dead,” is all I can get out. She turns to Whitley, confused. 

“The news is saying she’s been missing for ages and that she’s probably dead,” he says quietly.

“Oh Peeta,” she says, flinging her arms around me. Whitley joins her, his scarred arms wrapping around me tightly. It doesn’t help the violent trembling that’s overtaken my body.

“Delly let him up, we’re suffocating him.” They pull me to my feet and I grip the couch to steady myself. 

“Peeta forget the cake for now. You should go and rest.” 

“Rest,” I repeat. “Your wedding is tomorrow.”

“Exactly. You need to sleep. Whitley can work on the cake. He was a baker too, after all.”

“Excuse me. Was? I’m still a baker, Ms. Cartwright and a damned fine one.” She giggles and leans up to kiss his nose.

“I know you are. So help your brother out.” Delly pats my shoulder and leaves, no doubt to finish last minute details. Whitley stands in front of me and sighs.

“I really am sorry, Peeta. I know you never stopped loving her.”

“She just can’t be…it can’t be true.”

“All good ones meet their end. Even the Mockingjay.” 

“Don’t say things like that,” I snap. He holds up his hands and takes a step back.

“Delly is right; you need rest. Go on and get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.” I sigh and rub the back of my neck.

“Go on, Peeta,” he gives me a sad smile and I back out of the room.  
\---------------------------------------------------------

I head to my bedroom but I don’t get dressed for bed. I grab the phone and dial the number from memory. 

“Lo?”

“So when the hell were you going to tell me she’s dead?”

“Peeta?”

“Who else would it be,” I growl. “You don’t think I had a right to know? You think I wouldn’t see it all over the news? Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Peeta calm down. I swear it’s just speculation. The damn reporters keep coming to the Village and asking and I just finally said I haven’t seen her.”

“No Haymitch, you said you’re sure something happened to her. You think she’s dead.”

“I don’t think that. I think something happened to her, something to keep her from coming back to 12 but I don’t know what that could be. She could have gotten hurt or gotten a job or met someone or built a house…any number of reasons she hasn’t come back! I don’t think she’s dead. Not really.”

“Candlelight vigils are being held for her all over Panem,” I say thickly. “What are you going to say if she shows up in a store one day?”

“Surprise, she’s alive.” My eyes narrow at his cheek.

“You’re a smart ass,” I spit into the phone.

“And you’re calling me at two in the morning. If you want some information on sweetheart, why don’t you call her mother? She’d know more than I would!” Frustrated, I slam the phone down and collapse on my bed.   
\-----------------------------------------  
That night, I make plans. After the wedding, I’m leaving for 4 to talk to Mrs. Everdeen and find out what happened to Katniss. I won’t tell Delly or Whitley; I know they’d just try to convince me not to go. Delly, who once defended Katniss fiercely, has tried to convince me over the years that I need to forget about her. That I’m better off without her. Try as I might, I can’t forget about her. That last night together replays in my mind and is the main reason I have barely dated. Katniss remains to be the only woman I’ve ever slept with; the one time I have come remotely close, all I could think about was the way her grey eyes sparkled or the way her braid felt in my hands. The sound of her voice and the scowl she would give nearly everyone she came into contact with. The way she whimpered my name and the way her back arched off the bed when she came. I apologized profusely and went straight home, where Whitley got me absurdly drunk. No one will ever compare to my grey-eyed huntress.

My brother is right; I’ve never stopped loving Katniss Everdeen. Despite the fact that she broke my heart, she still holds it in her palm. I know she’s alive and I’m going to find her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...now what do you all think? ;) A couple of people called it, saying it might not be Peeta she saw. Makes it even worse now, doesn't it?   
> I promise, Everlark is endgame here. I know it's a rollercoaster of emotions but I hope the endgame is worth it to you all.  
> And if you're impatient, I just posted the last chapter on FF.Net ;)
> 
> happy holidays!


	5. Chapter 5

The wedding is perfect and they look so happy together. It’s strange to hear my last name on my best friend but Delly makes a beautiful bride. My brother stands tall and proud and keeps glancing over at his bride, the love for her blazing in his eyes. I can hardy see burn his scars today; he glows like a man in love. He was the one nearest to the door when the bombs dropped and was able to escape, getting burned in the process. His face and hands bear the marks of the tragedy but we’re matching in this sense. Delly tells him he’s beautiful no matter what. I watch as he crosses the room and asks her to dance. Smiling, I lean against the wall, clutching my glass of champagne.

“Wishing it was you out there buddy,” a voice asks from my left. 

“Johanna,” Annie scolds. “Would you be nice for once?”

“It’s not in my nature,” she quips back. 

“No Jo, I don’t wish it was me marrying Delly.”

“Oh I didn’t say out there with blondie big-boobs. I’d say you were imagining yourself with someone with darker hair and darker skin, am I right?” I close my eyes and Annie gasps.

“Johanna!”

“You just never know when to quit, do you Jo,” I say through gritted teeth.

“My therapist said I should never filter myself. Seriously Peeta, why do you torture yourself like this? There are lots of little cuties here today that would beg you to take them to bed.” 

“And I don’t want any of them. Why do you think I HAVE to date to be happy, Jo?”

“Because I see what a pathetic mess you’ve become and I think a little sex would do you good.”

“Oh good lord,” Annie covers her face with her hands. 

“Good job Jo, you’ve scarred Annie.”

“Not hard to do. Sweet Annie is a lot like your little mockingjay. Entirely too pure.” 

“I need a drink,” Annie huffs, rushing off. Johanna sighs and leans beside me.

“I saw the news last night.”

“You and the rest of the world. You going to give me your condolences too? I’ve already had ten people stop me and tell me how very sorry they are,” I say as I take a sip of my champagne.

“What good are condolences? Words are empty. We’ve been through a lot of shit and I don’t blame her for disappearing.” I glance sideways at my friend.

“You don’t think she’s dead?”

“You do? Because you’re being remarkably calm for someone who thinks the love of their life might be dead.” Damn. She can see right through me. But…does she think Katniss died?

“I think she finally got tired of all the bullshit following her and decided to hide,” she seems to ready my mind. “Most likely changed her hair, her identity. Living somewhere where she doesn’t have to hear ‘girl on fire’ or ‘mockingjay’ anymore.” Hearing a different opinion is, I’ll admit, comforting. Delly and Whitley weren’t much help to be honest. 

“Do you think she… thinks of me,” I ask in a quiet voice, instantly regretting it. Johanna’s brow raises and she rolls her eyes.

“Bread boy, the love she has for you is sickening. You two always made me sick, what with the star-crossed lovers bullshit. It was even more disgusting when we found out it was real.” 

“It wasn’t real,” I say softly. “Not to her anyway. It was always an act.”

“Wow. You may be even more oblivious than Brainless,” she says with disgust. “You may have been too busy trying to kill her in 13, Peeta, but I saw how she was. I saw   
how messed up she got. I also know that she didn’t move from her couch until you came back to 12. What do you think that says for you? That she doesn’t love you?”

“I asked her if she did…and she told me no.” She shakes her head, looking disgusted.

“You’re pathetic. Really. Have you been living all these years, thinking she really meant that? Katniss has always been the hero, Peeta. She has to sacrifice her very happiness for someone else. It’s just the way she is. I saw it in your first Games and that’s why I agreed to go along with the Rebellion. Because I saw that she was a fighter. She fights for those she loves. And she’ll sacrifice herself to do it.”

“I don’t really follow--“

“Don’t you see? She wanted you to be happy, away from 12. She knew it was a bad place for you. Your flashbacks and painful memories. She wanted you to go have a   
normal life, away from the bullshit and the press and that stupid-ass slogan the Capitol made up. The only way you would leave is if she hurt you. Badly. And that’s exactly what she did. She hurt you to save you. Disgusting,” she adds as she sips from her glass. My head is reeling. Does Katniss love me? Have I really been so blind, all these years? 

“I have to find her.”

“No shit,” is all she says, her eyes locked on my assistant. I have to fix this. I have to find her! I have to see if it’s true. I have to-- I shake my head as I turn, smacking into Annie.

“Oh Annie I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok Peeta,” she wipes at her dress.

“Annie, I need to ask you something.” Her wide green eyes lock on mine.

“Has Mrs. Everdeen ever said anything about…where Katniss may be hiding?”

“You think she’s… in hiding?” But Annie is not good at fibbing, not at all. She shifts from side to side and can’t hold my gaze. She chews on her lip and it reminds me   
of Katniss when she wants to say something but holds herself back.

She knows something, I can tell.

“Annie,” I say slowly and she winces. “What do you know?”

“It’s…it’s not my business to tell, Peeta. It’s Katniss’s business.”

“What is?” 

“Nothing, it’s just…nothing.”

“Annie! Please. I need to find her. Wherever she is, I still love her and I have to convince her that she’s all I need to make me happy. I should have gone to her years ago but…ugh, it was my stupid pride that held me back. I didn’t think she could love m… Please, you have to help me.” She sighs deeply and looks up at me.

“I don’t know where she is. I think her mother may know. But she came to 4…to tell you something.”

“What? When?” Why didn’t she seek me out? Why didn’t I know she was there? Did she change her mind? I run my hands through my styled curls.

“About three years ago,” she says softly. “I gave her your address and she went to talk to you. The next morning, she was gone. She left a note for her mother, saying   
that you were happy with Delly and she couldn’t stay in 4 and be so close to you. She was going to find somewhere safe to live, for both of them.”

“Happy with Delly? What does that even mean?” Her next words hit me and I frown. “Wait, both of them? Her mother went with her?” Annie holds my gaze for the longest time, before she closes her eyes, sighs, and reaches into her purse for something. She withdraws what looks like an old photograph and holds it tightly in her hand.

“You’re my dear friend, Peeta. But she asked me to keep this a secret and I couldn’t break her trust. Please understand how much this has tortured me, not being able to tell you. If you really love her, you’ll go and find her.”

“I really love her, Annie,” I say, meeting her gaze. She nods and puts the picture into my hand.  
Katiniss is smiling, actually smiling in this picture and her long dark hair is spread around her shoulders. She’s pressed cheek to cheek with a round-faced baby, with brilliant blue eyes and golden curls. The baby’s smile is familiar. Everything about her is familiar.  
I look up at Annie, my jaw wide open. I suddenly find it so difficult to breathe. The picture falls to the ground and I clutch at my heart.

No. No way. No way this could be true. 

“Peeta,” Annie says softly.

“Did she…she couldn’t…I don’t…” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open my eyes again, they’re blurred with tears.

“Gale’s?”

“Does that look like Gale’s child? You are now the brainless one. I’m changing your nickname,” Johanna snaps as she shoves the picture at me. 

“She’s not Gale’s, Peeta,” Annie says delicately, as if any loud noise will set me off. I stare at the picture for the longest time. The baby has my hair and my eyes and my jawline…that’s my Dad’s jawline. She has Katniss’s narrow nose but she is fair-skinned, like a Merchant. There isn’t a huge trace of Seam genes in this little one at all. Her father definitely isn’t from the Seam. 

A tear hits the picture and I blink up at the two women. My friends. Who kept this from me.

“You knew?”

“I’m so sorry, Peeta.” 

“Why…why wouldn’t she tell me?”

“Well from what I can gather, she came to your house and saw Whitley and Delly together and thought it was you. Decided you were happy and thought it was more selfish to interrupt your life than tell you that you had a kid. She up and left,” Johanna shrugs. “and she didn’t really want to be found after that.” So Katniss is living god knows where, thinking I’ve moved on, raising my daughter by herself. OUR daughter. 

Oh my god. I have a child. A little girl. With Katniss Everdeen. 

Katniss Everdeen bore my child. 

No matter how I say it, it doesn’t appease this feeling in my chest.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” My hand presses against my stomach and a glass of water is shoved into my hand. 

“Drink it,” Johanna says sharply. I toss it back and wipe my face with my palm. 

“Can you get her mother onto the phone? I need to finish packing.” 

“I can call her,” Annie offers. I nod gratefully and run up to my room. My bag lies open on my bed, almost full. I start throwing things in, not really looking or caring.

What is she like? Will she like me? Will she be afraid of me? Has Katniss told her about me? And what am I going to do if Katniss doesn’t want me around…what if she’s found someone else? That sickness comes back as I imagine another man raising my daughter.

I hear a soft knock and I spin around. Annie holds a sheet of paper.

“She says this is the only piece of information Katniss has given her. She also asked me to tell you, to respect her wishes. She wants you to see your daughter, Peeta, she always has but if Katniss wants you to leave…she asks that you do it. Don’t lead her on either. It’s been three years.”

“You think she’s… moved on? Found someone else?”

“No and neither does her mother. Katniss is very devoted to Pearl and would do anything for her. I don’t think she would bring a man into their lives unless he was staying for good.” I sigh with relief at her words and then the name hits me.

“Pearl?” Annie smiles and nods. Oh Katniss. I clearly remember the pearl I gave her in the Quarter Quell and how Haymitch and Johanna told me she never let it out of her sight. 

I take the paper from Annie and my brow quirks. She certainly didn’t give her mother a lot of information. As far as I can tell, she’s somewhere in 2 but that’s just a gamble. And then what do I do when I get there? I can’t exactly go around asking for Katniss Everdeen since the country thinks she might be dead. Another bout of sickness overtakes me as I remember who else is living in 2. Please don’t let her have gone to him. Please, please, PLEASE--

“Good luck, Peeta,” Johanna says lazily, interrupting my thoughts. “You’re going to need it.”   
I have to find her. I have to find THEM. I have to meet my daughter.

And I have to tell Katniss that I love her. 

“You’ll find her, Peeta,” Annie says gently. “You two are connected.”

“And aside from that true love bullshit, use your smarts,” Johanna says earnestly. “You’re not a Victor by chance. Use what you know to find her.”   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep quiet about my plans and wish my brother and new sister-in-law the best as they leave for their honeymoon. How I wish I could tell them what I’m going to do but I know they would fight me on it. Johanna and Annie are both very supportive and urge me to leave immediately. Probably because they were both in the Capitol with me. They know everything that has happened, everything they did to me to turn me against Katniss.

They know how deep my love for her goes. Delly only saw a piece, Whitley didn’t really see it because he wasn’t around. I feel like the two women understand more than anyone could. 

It’s why they agree to my plan. 

I have to disappear in order to find her. If Katniss wants to continue to live in hiding, I won’t go against that. I have to make the world forget about Peeta Mellark so they won’t come looking for us.   
\---------------------------

I call one more person before I disappear. Haymitch may be a drunken asshole but he did keep his promise to save Katniss and I will always be grateful for that. 

He’s silent as I tell him everything and when I finish, he sighs deeply.

“You kids are going to be the death of me.”

“What’s that supposed--“

“Good luck, Peeta. I hope you find her. She really is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Katniss?”

“No not Katniss. But add your genes to sweetheart’s radiance and what you get is pretty damn cute.” I can’t help but smile at that. 

“You don’t sound too angry…I’d have expected you to be raging all over the place when you found out.” I start at his words. He’s right, actually. Why am I not more upset? Especially because he clearly knew about Pearl and kept it from longer than anyone. Annie said she’d just found out when Katniss’s mother brought them to 4. Haymitch knew Katniss was pregnant and still continued to talk to me, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. 

I pause. Because I can understand where Katniss is coming from. And especially hearing it from Johanna and Annie, the two women who have been through just as much as I have, telling me that she loves me and I need to fight for love…well, I guess that’s enough to overcome the anger I feel.

“My flashbacks are pretty rare these days,” I say slowly. “And I think I understand where Katniss was coming from. It doesn’t hurt any less but if there’s a chance that she loves me and that we can be happy…I owe it to myself to at least find out, don’t I? I owe it to her too, I mean. I should have gone after her. I should have known she was lying. I could always see through her lies but this time…I guess I just couldn’t believe that she could love me.” 

“If you two can manage it, call me once in awhile. Check on an old man, won’t you?”

‘This isn’t goodbye, Haymitch. Not really.” He grunts and tells me goodbye anyway. I slip my bag over my shoulder and disappear into the night. Everything is settled.   
A note for Whitley and Delly. Instructions for the bakery and the safe combination. My winnings are tucked safely in my bag and I clutch my train ticket that Johanna purchased for me, tightly in my fist. As I zoom away from the life I know in 5, I stare at the picture of my two girls. My past is behind me. I’m staring at my future.   
\------------------------------  
In the first town I come to, people are buzzing about the latest news. Victor Peeta Mellark is presumed dead, having taken his own life, and close friends Johanna Mason and Annie Odair can confirm his disappearance. They even found the suicide note I left, talking about how I couldn’t go on without Katniss. I smile grimly to myself. Thank you girls, I say silently. At least my brother will know the truth so he won’t be too sad. Angry, maybe, but he can’t really blame me for this. If anyone wants to call me selfish, they’re free to but for the first time, I’m ready to live my life for me. 

I finish buying the supplies, tuck my curls under my hat, and go to check out. No one gives me a second glance. 

It’s strange, this newfound freedom. No one stares at me or runs up to me on the street. Even though the star-crossed lovers stuff has long since passed, it was still recognition from my days as a Victor. Some were even negative, questioning me about my flashbacks and if I was really safe to be in normal society. Dead, I have more privacy than I ever have.


	6. Chapter 6

My first month in 2 is discouraging and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to find her. I try to put myself in her place and think about where she could be living but knowing Katniss, it’s somewhere remote and far away from people.

My eyes drift up to the mountains and I cock my head. Just maybe…

“Hey, more cheesebuns,” says an excited voice. “I love these. Laura, tell your employer we say thank you!” I turn to see a pretty girl with dark hair nod and smile while she chews. 

“Did she need some more supplies?” The girl, Laura, nods and hands over a sheet of paper. A list, I assume. The man at the counter nods and gathers some things and bags them for her.

“Tell her I’ll put it on her tab and she can just pay when she comes back to town next week.” Laura nods and pushes the basket of cheesebuns toward him. He takes another and holds it up, winking at her.

“You’re a sweetheart to bring these in! Tell her she’s a sweetheart to make them, and that she’d better bring that cutie with her next time she comes in.” Laura smiles and nods and picks up the basket, heading out the door. I don’t know what makes me do it but I follow her and clear my throat.

“Excuse me…Laura?” She turns and looks wary.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m hoping you can help me. I’m looking for someone. I was told you might be able to help.” I hold up the picture and her eyes widen. They flicker from me to the picture and back to me and she sets the basket down. She signs something and I discover she is an Avox. 

“I’m sorry…I’m not great at sign language.” She rolls her eyes but points to the picture and then to me. She then mimes rocking a baby and points to me again. I swallow and nod.

“Yes. She’s my daughter.” She picks up the basket, jerks her head, and leads me to her car.

I was right when I thought Katniss would be somewhere remote. We are almost to the top of the mountain and I hold my hands over my ears as we get further up. Laura stops and points to something. Up ahead, I see a little cabin tucked into the side of the mountain. I glance at her and she puts a finger to her lips. 

‘Thank you,” I say gratefully, already climbing out of the car. I sling my bag over my shoulder and slowly approach the cabin. Laura drives away and I wave in thanks. 

The snow is thick up here in the mountains and I rub my hands together, not having the proper attire for this. Beside the cabin I can see a shock of yellow hair and I suck in a breath.   
She must have her mother’s hearing because she pops up over the snow and her eyes narrow. I almost laugh at how familiar that scowl is. 

“Hi,” I say softly. 

“Hi,” she says suspiciously.

“My name is Peeta. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m a…friend.”

“Hi Mr. Peeta.” I smile and she relaxes.

“It’s really cold out here. What are you doing out in the snow?”

“Finding flowers. Mommy’s sad. They make her smile.”

“Why is Mommy sad?”

“Cause of a man.” My brow quirks. My first conversation with my daughter and we are talking about her mother being sad over a man. God help me.

“A man?” She nods and fumbles for something around her neck. As I get closer, I feel my knees weaken. She’s wearing the locket I gave to Katniss in the Quell. She clicks it open and I see the picture of Gale is gone; between Prim and Mrs. Everdeen is a picture of me. 

“Is that your daddy?” She nods as she tucks it back in her shirt.

“Daddy,” she says as she goes back to digging through the snow. 

“Is your mommy home?” She nods but doesn’t look up at me. 

“Can you take me to her?”

“Pearl Mellark! What did I say about talking to strangers?” I brace myself but my heart is pounding in my chest. She stands there, on the porch, staring at the both of us. She’s more beautiful than I remember. Her hair is much longer and is in waves down her back. She’s slender but filled out more and no longer looks like she has been starving. Her cheeks are rounder and pink from the cold. Her eyes, the same stormy depths I fell in love with, start to glisten as they lock on me. 

“Hi Katniss,” I shift in the snow. Her jaw drops and I see her hand dive into her pocket.

“Peeta.” All I want to do is throw my arms around her but I can’t move; neither of us can. Pearl stands between us, looking from one to the other curiously. 

“Mommy I got you flowers.” She holds up a couple of yellow dandelions and I hear Katniss suck in a breath.

“They’re beautiful baby, thank you. Come put them in water for Mommy.” Pearl bounds forward and grabs my hand.

“Come in, Misser Peeta.” I glance at Katniss and she holds the door open; I stomp the snow off before entering and follow my little girl inside.  
I sigh at the warmth and see a fire raging in the fireplace. Pearl is trying to get a vase down from the mantle and Katniss rushes forward.

“Sweetie there are vases on the table you can use.”

“But it’s pretty.”

“Ok, we can use this one. Let Mommy get it.” She reaches up and hands the vase to the little girl and Pearl runs off to the kitchen with it, Katniss close behind her. I’m surprised at how fast she moves. She can’t be more than 3 or 4. 

I stand awkwardly in her entryway and tap my palms against my thighs as I study the room. It’s homey and quaint. Above the mantle I see a familiar painting; the one I did for her birthday, of two little girls in the meadow, one blonde, the other dark. I see the irony of the photo now. On the floor there’s several coloring books and crayons spread out, and a few of Pearl’s toys. Katniss’s father’s hunting jacket is draped over the chair and on the couch is one of the blankets we used to share while we cuddled in her living room. 

“Um…” Katniss announces her presence as she returns. “Sorry about that…she’s a little enthusiastic.”

“She has your spirit.” 

“Peeta--“

“Mommy mommy! Can Misser Peeta color wif me?” Katniss glances at me, looking worried.

“I would love to color with you, Miss Pearl,” I answer immediately. Katniss crosses her arms and smiles.

“I was just about to start dinner. You can keep her company while I cook and after dinner we’ll talk.” I nod and kneel in the floor next to Pearl. She thrusts a coloring page at me and hands me a crayon.

“You can color the horsey.”

“What color should I color him?”

“Pink!” I grin and nod.

“That’s perfect. A pink horsey.”

“Unicorn,” she corrects, pointing to the crude horn she has drawn on. I laugh and watch her go to work.

It’s hard to describe how it feels, to be sitting here with my daughter. For one, I could never have imagined this happening and two, every gesture she makes reminds me she is mine and Katniss’s. I watch as she gets a serious face when she’s concentrating, her eyes trained on the paper and her long lashes resting on her cheek. Her little pink tongue pokes out just slightly and she mutters to herself when she’s made a mistake, like I do when I’m painting.

When Katniss announces it’s time for dinner and to put the coloring away, she rolls her eyes and it is unmistakably Katniss. I burst out laughing and Pearl stares at me.

“Whasso funny?”

“You look just like your mommy, you know that?”

“Mommy says I look like Daddy.” I look up to see Katniss watching us and I help Pearl to her feet. 

“Wash your hands before you eat,” she tells both of us and Pearl rushes to the sink. I watch as Katniss stands behind her, helping her wash her little hands but our daughter is rather independent and swats her mother away. 

“Tea, Peeta?”

“Please. But no--“ I stop as she hands me my mug of sugarless tea and I look up at her.

“You remembered.” She gives me a weak smile and gestures for me to sit. Pearl begs me to sit next to her and Katniss puts her in between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know everyone is going to say everyone is being remarkably calm for what all is happening so I want to address this first: Katniss doesn't know what Peeta is thinking and all she wants to do is stay calm in front of their daughter. Pearl is their world and Peeta is determined not to say anything that would upset her. This is why he hasn't confronted her, or why Katniss hasn't thrown herself in his arms just yet.   
> I will try to update again before the holidays! Happy Holidays everyone! XOXO


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun and emotional but not as full of anger as you might think. I tried to delve into Peeta's delicate hijacked mind as well as I could and found only sadness and regret with a little fear. Yes he is angry but I think he is more sad about his daughter than anything else. This is also ONE opinion. That's the beauty of fanfiction. It's open to interpretation and you are free to disagree. 
> 
> I think this chapter captures Peeta's emotions clearly but I will admit there is not enough time to delve into Katniss's emotions so thoroughly; as much as I would have loved to do another chapter in her POV, it would be repetitive and I didn't want that. So I tried to show it with her words best I could. 
> 
> This is the last chapter and then there is an epilogue. Thank you all for taking this crazy ride with me. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, I totally get that, but I hope the endgame is worth it to you.
> 
> Finally, beware, smut ahead! Hope you enjoy and happy holidays! 
> 
> XOXO

My little girl is quite the conversationalist. Katniss is quiet while she sips her soup but Pearl keeps asking me questions until Katniss tells her to calm down and eat her dinner. She keeps shooting me wary looks, as if afraid I am going to explode any minute. I'm desperate for time with my daughter but at the same time, I need her to go to bed so I can talk to her mother alone. There is so much I want to ask her. So much I need her to know.

I'm pleased at how quickly Pearl has taken to me. Or maybe it's that she doesn't have a lot of people to talk to up here. I wonder how many times Katniss leaves this little cabin. Since that girl, Laura, was shopping for her, I have to ask if she ever goes into town. I hope so. This little girl is far too social to be kept cooped up in the mountains. Since I don't know how they have been living, I won't make assumptions but I notice certain changes to Katniss's appearance and wonder if she does get out and about from time to time.

Katniss clears the dishes and Pearl drags me off to see her room. It's a lot of pink but her bed is white with green trim and looks home-made. Katniss comes in behind me and asks Pearl if she's brushed her teeth.

"Go on and get ready for bed and then we can see if Mr. Peeta will read your book to you."

"Ok!" She runs off toward the bathroom and I watch Katniss reach into a drawer and pull out some pink pajamas. She drapes them over her arm and goes to the book shelf, pulling down an old book with a peeling spine.

"The Bear and the Bow," I read a loud.

"It's her favorite. She makes me read some to her every night. If you'd like to read it to her, I think she would like that."

"I would love to." She smiles and the smile reaches her eyes. I know we need to talk but all I want to do right now is carry her straight to bed. That smile is making me weak and pathetic…what happened to the determined, jilted father who came here to confront his ex-lover? Or did I just come here to beg for her to take me back? Beg is the wrong word. Convince? No, that's not it either. I sigh in frustration and rub my temples. Her hand on my arm makes me look back up.

"I know we need to talk," she says in a low voice. "And it's been killing me to sit there and not know what you are thinking about…well, all of this. But let me just get her to bed and then-"

"All clean," Pearl announces, showing both of us her teeth. Katniss steps away from me and nods.

"Good girl. Put your PJs on and ask Mr. Peeta to read your story." Pearl turns and grips the book, giving me the biggest eyes which just makes me laugh because I can imagine her doing it to her mother.

"Can you?" I already can't deny this girl anything.

"I'd be delighted." She jumps into bed and pulls the necklace off, holding it out to Katniss.

"Keep Daddy safe?" Katniss doesn't say anything as she tucks the locket into her pocket and kisses Pearl's forehead.

I barely get through two pages before she is asleep and Katniss chuckles softly.

"Never makes it to the end," she whispers as she turns the light out and shuts the door halfway. She puts a finger to her lips, takes my hand, and leads me down the hall.

Her bedroom is like the rest of the house: cozy and charming. She has several of my paintings set up, ones that I left behind in Victor's Village. Her woods were often my inspiration because I know how she loved them. They're perfect for this room here; the wood furniture and the green rug seem to be her home away from home. I can sense her watching me as I take in the room and I take a deep breath.

"Katniss-" but I don't say anything else; she's thrown her arms around my neck, her lips crashing down on mine. I reach around and pick her up, her legs wrapping around my waist and I back her against the door. She moans into my mouth, which makes me grow harder between her legs. I thrust my hips forward so she can feel what she's doing to me and she grips my hair in her fist. My eyes shoot open and I remember that I haven't seen her in over 3 years. We need to talk before anything else. I have so many questions and I need to focus.

Reluctantly I set her down and take a step back. I have to adjust my jeans for a moment; hell, as stated, it's been 3 years! Her eyes are darkened with lust and she looks confused.

"As much as I want you, Katniss, we really have to talk." Her shoulders fall and she nods.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I thought you were dead." Her eyes fill with tears as she reaches out to stroke my cheek.

"When I saw you I thought you were a ghost. I heard the news and it…it killed me…I mean, I blamed myself, as I sh-should have… But you're here…you're alive!"

"I am," I take her hand and kiss her palm. "I planted the suicide note and Johanna and Annie agreed to cover for me."

"Why would you do that," she asks in the barest of whispers, her eyes wide.

"Because I knew you couldn't really be dead," her head hangs and she looks ashamed. As much as I still love her, I can't help but get a little satisfaction from seeing her sad look. Does she think it was easy for me to see that news?!

"It broke me, Katniss but after I thought about it…I knew you were still alive. I had to find you. To make you see that you are my whole world, that I don't need anything but you. And I would go into hiding with you to prove it, if you wanted me. Both of you," I add.

"Peeta, you need to know…Pearl is…well, I'm sure you know she's…" she's shifting from side to side, looking extremely anxious.

"She's my daughter," I answer for her and her eyes fly back to mine, filled with tears. "I know. I had a long talk with Annie and Johanna. I may not have completely believed them at first but the resemblance is…wow." She nods miserably.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did…I tried to…but I just came to 4 and I saw you with-"

"You didn't see what you thought you did," I cut her off again. I wince at how cold my tone is. Her mouth slams shut and she looks even more confused.

"When you came to my house that night…you saw Delly and my brother, Whitley." Her eyes widen.

"He's… alive?"

"He made it out and escaped to 11. He hid there and helped fight in the war. We found each other when I left 12. He was coming back when I was leaving."

"Oh…wow," she says weakly. "I'm…really happy for them." She blinks back tears and she shakes her head.

"I tried to call you, Peeta. I wanted to tell you everything…to ask you to come back…but Delly answered and she… I never wanted to keep your daughter from you, honest I didn't. I'm just… so sorry Peeta. If I could go back and do things over, I'd do it all over again. Every bit of it. But Pearl is perfect and you are a part of that."

"Jesus, Katniss, three years though. You couldn't find a way to tell me in 3 years? How am I going to get back that time with my daughter? How am I going to explain where I have been? Do you realize how much this hurts? Do you even realize that what you did was WRONG?" I run my fingers through my hair and spin away from her. Looking into her teary eyes makes this so much harder. I could never stand to see her cry. Even getting back to myself in 13, seeing how much I was hurting her killed me. I've fallen so deeply in love with this woman and I know I should be more angry but all I feel is sadness and fear. What I wouldn't give to get that time back but what good is wishing for that now? She could tell me to leave and then I'd have to fight to see my daughter. She could tell me she doesn't love me and I'd have to fight to keep my heart together. I scoff to myself; as if it's been together since that night she told me not real. I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair again; I'm sure my curls are a tangled mess. I realize Katniss isn't the only one at fault here. Why didn't I go back and demand to know the truth? Why didn't I ever call her and not Haymitch to check on her after I left? As I traveled around Panem, I called him to ask him if he was eating enough and how the district was doing. He always knew I wanted to know about her. But why didn't I just call her one day instead?

Because I'm still a coward when it comes to Katniss. I was afraid of deeper rejection and I couldn't put aside my wounded pride to even be a friend. I've endured too much, both mentally and physically, to have been able to take care of a child. It scares me that Katniss raised her alone, in her fragile state but clearly time has done both of us well. As far as I can tell, Pearl is a perfect combination of the both of us and Katniss has done a wonderful job. I can't fault her for that, even though I wish I had some part of that. Katniss may still have some problems but she has pushed them aside so she can be a good mother. Granted I've only spent a few hours with them so I can't know that for sure but I now realize that I don't ever want to leave them. I want to make up for the time I've missed and help Katniss in any way I can. Whether that's just Pearl's father and Katniss's friend, or a man who is so much more to both of them...I can't leave them now.

"We both made some mistakes, Katniss," I start out in a shaky voice. I still can't look at her and I clear my throat. "I shouldn't have let my pride get in my way. I should have come back to you, no matter what you said. Johanna kind of knocked some sense into me. Annie told me how much you hurt after you thought you saw Delly and me. But you have to know that Delly was never…well, she was always pretty protective of me, but just because she was my best friend. I never felt anything for her. She didn't tell me you'd called but at that time…I don't know if I would have returned your call," I turn slowly and squeeze my eyes shut. "I'm sorry what you saw upset you…and that I couldn't explain. I'm sorry you've gone all these years thinking I had moved on. I haven't. I couldn't. You've always been with me, wherever I go."

"I couldn't blame you if you had," she sniffles. "I really hurt you."

"Yeah you did." She crosses her arms over her chest, like she does when she is in pain. I pull her hands down and hold them in my own.

"But I understand why you did it." I lean forward and press my forehead to hers. "And I think one day soon I can forgive you. If you can forgive me for being such a fool." She sinks into my arms and I hold her shaking body close as her tears wet my shirt. As she realizes what she's doing, she gasps and leaps backwards, wiping at her face. Katniss has never been one to show her emotions and she tries to keep her heart hidden as possible. I can't say I blame her, after so many people have left her. I can't stop my hand from reaching out and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Um…l-let me just get you something to sleep in and then we can get comfortable and talk some more."

"I left my bag in the entryway but I have a few things with me." She nods and I quietly step out into the hall. When I return and shut the door behind me, I see her setting two more items among the odd array of objects on the table. The locket and the pearl from the Quell rest at the front. Behind them, there is a blue ribbon, a rusty old ring, an old photograph, some sort of drawing that I suspect came from our daughter, as well as a few others. I suck in a breath and she turns back to me, glancing down at them and then back at me, looking wary again.

"Does she know about me?" She gazes up at me, her eyes stormy and her arms wrapped around herself again. She's put up her walls once again.

"She didn't for the longest time. I was going to wait to tell her when she was older but when the news came of your death, I started to slip into depression again and Pearl tried to pull me out of it. I was…a horrible mother, because I couldn't help myself and she didn't understand. I became my mother," I gasp, knowing that's always been her greatest fear. "It was staring into her eyes…your eyes…that helped pull me out of it. It was stroking her curls, like I would always stroke yours after a nightmare, that helped ground me. She reminded me that life can be good again. So I gave her the locket to wear and showed her what her daddy looks like. I told her he was always watching over us and maybe someday she would meet him. I couldn't tell her you were dead…she just couldn't understand why I was so broken so I hid it as best I could."

"She said you were sad because of a man," I say softly. "I think our daughter is too smart for her own good."

"She is so smart! She gets that from you," she says with a weak smile. "She's the smartest in her class at her preschool," she beams at this but her smile fades slightly. "She wears the locket but gives it back to me at night to keep Daddy safe. She keeps saying he'll come back to us." Her breath hitches for a moment and she reaches out, her palms pressing against my chest.

"I can't believe that she was right." I cup her chin and hold her gaze.

"You gave her my name?" She bites her lip and her eyes dart to the floor again. I move my hand to the back of her neck and try to recapture her gaze.

"Look at me." She looks back up but her eyes are filled with tears again.

"I thought of you every day," she whispers. "I dreamed of you holding us. Of the three of us in the meadow. I stared at your paintings and told her about you while she was in my belly. You were such a big part of her life already, I had to give her your name. I'm…I'm sorry that I didn't exactly ask but it wasn't right to give her the name Everdeen. She's Mellark through and through. I gave her a middle name, Rowan, after my father." Her words cause me the most exquisite pain. On one hand it breaks my heart to hear how much I missed and then remember that my daughter is already three years old. I've missed three years of her life and that's probably the worst thing about all of this. On the flip side, hearing her pour out her love like this is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I could never have imagined what it would be like to hear such beautiful words being uttered by Katniss Everdeen. I reach down and take her hands in mine, pressing my forehead to hers again.

"I love you Katniss. I have never stopped loving you. Since that day in school, when a little five year old me saw a little girl singing and I lost my heart to you. We have been through so much shit together but I never stopped loving you. Even after you tore my heart out, it still beats for you. And I know we have a lot to work on and talk about and learn about each other but I want to do that because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you. You and that beautiful little angel in there. A perfect piece of you and me. I want to learn everything about her and what you like and what you've been doing all this time and what she likes to do and-"

"I just can't believe you did this," she cuts me off, biting her lip. "For me. After you found your brother again. And you…Annie said you opened a bakery. You had a life, Peeta."

"And it was incomplete without you," I say firmly. "I told you that years ago. I don't know what else I can do to convince you but I just faked my death so we could disappear together. I mean I don't even know how you have been living here in 2 without anyone knowing. And our little girl...I hope she goes out and socializes and has friends. I don't know how this whole being dead to the world thing works."

"It's been working just fine. Once people believe you're dead, they stop looking for you. Pearl has so many friends at school and she loves to go shopping. I keep my hair out of my braid but other than that, I guess people have just forgotten about the Mockingjay." She shrugs and I grip her shoulders.

"I haven't. I never could. But I'm willing to start all over, as whoever you want me to be, just so we can have a chance. So I can have a chance to be a father...and whatever...you want me to be. All I need is you, Katniss. All I want is you. Please don't tell me I did all of this for nothing. Please tell me you want me…that you need me too."

"Oh Peeta," she cries before she throws her arms around me and is kissing me again. This time, I don't stop her. I don't need the words; Katniss has always been better showing her feelings than saying anything. And right now, she's showing me how much she wants me. So I let her.

I carry her to the bed while she yanks at my shirt. She throws it to the side then moves down to the buttons on my jeans. She pushes my jeans and boxers down around my ankles and pulls me down onto the bed. I don't have any time to draw breath before she takes me into her hand and I fall back with a strangled gasp.

"Mine?" She asks shyly. My chin dips against my chest.

"Always," I breathe. She takes me into her mouth and my head falls back onto the pillows.

I don't even know if she's been with anyone since me but she's REALLY good at this. She takes me deep, swallowing when I touch the back of her throat. I grapple for her hair and squeeze my eyes shut, my teeth digging into my bottom lip.

"Oh my fuuuuuuuck," I whisper through gritted teeth. I don't know how hard Pearl sleeps but I'm going to pretend we're not doing this just a few feet away from our daughter. I need Katniss. Now. And you can call me the most idiotic, selfish man in the world if you want to because I know we should be talking and waiting and giving ourselves time to heal. I know I should put a wall around my heart so she can't destroy it as easily again and that I should be a responsible father and adult, for that matter.

My head knows all of this but I have always lead with my heart. And right now it's beating for Katniss. My head is screaming at me but I mentally swat those thoughts away and resolve myself to deal with them in the morning. Right now, all I want to think about is being with this woman again and showing her how much I love her.

As I feel myself getting closer, I gently push her away and she gives me a confused look.

"I can't handle that anymore. I need to be inside you and I know I'm not going to last long as it is." She leans back and starts to unbutton her shirt but I grip her wrist.

"Can I do that?" Her hands fall to her side and I slowly undress her, taking my time with her, savoring every precious moment. I reach around and easily unclasp her bra, gasping when she's revealed to me. Her breasts are larger than I remember, no doubt due to a proper diet and giving birth. I lower my head and circle her nipple with my tongue. She gasps and her head tilts back, her hands going to my hair. I tweak them both between my fingers and continue licking a trail down to her stomach. I push her onto her back, my fingers deftly working the button and zipper on her jeans.

When I have her in just her plain, cotton underwear, I take a moment to really look at her. The last time we did this was in her dark bedroom and it was heated and hurried. Not this time. I finally have her back in my arms, after pining for her for years. And I think she understands because she lays there and allows me to look my fill. I can tell she is uncomfortable at my scrutiny from the way she squirms; her scars have always bothered her. But I've never seen anything more beautiful.

I lick around her waistband and place a kiss on her hipbone. She jerks her hips upwards and I can see her arousal seeping through her underwear. Fuck she's gorgeous. I move down on the bed and spread her legs wide, draping them over my shoulders. She leans up on her elbows and bites her lip.

"Peeta." She sounds hesitant and I grin up at her from between her thighs.

"I promised you next time would be with my tongue," I smirk up at her before I place a kiss on her inner thigh. She gasps loudly, her legs flying in the air. I hold her down while I take my first taste and I'm fucking hooked. I lick around her folds, feeling her getting wetter. When I flick my tongue across her clit, she arches off the bed.

"Peeta!"

"Shhhh. Don't want to wake the baby," I say against her center. She whimpers until I hear her curses are muffled. I glance up and see she's covered her face with a pillow. Laughing, I reach up and tug it away.

"I want you to watch me, Katniss. Don't take your eyes off me. If you do, I'll stop." She nods, biting her lip and I go back to flicking my tongue over her clit. When I tug it into my mouth, her eyes flutter shut and I pull away; her eyes shoot open and she glares.

"Keep them open," I remind her before I go back to my slow torture. Her whole body starts to shake and she grips the blankets in one fist while her other is tangled in my hair.

"Peeta Peeta Peeta," she whispers repeatedly, between little gasps and curses.

"Come for me, Katniss. Come for me baby." Her orgasm takes her over completely and she shudders underneath me. I tongue her slowly until she's stopped trembling, and I move back up to her mouth. I tentatively dip my tongue inside her mouth and she reaches up and trails her nails down my back.

"God I need you, Katniss." She leans up and flips us over and I watch in amazement as she straddles me. She takes me into her hand and rubs me over her wet pussy.

"Mine?" I ask softly, looking into her eyes and taking her face in my hands.

"Only you." I kiss her as she lowers herself over me and we both hiss; I see her wince and I give her a moment to adjust. It's obviously been awhile for both of us and I'm surprised I didn't come immediately. And if she's telling the truth and I have no reason to doubt she is, she hasn't been with anyone besides me. The thought makes me feel powerful and desired.

She rises up and lowers again, very slowly. The feeling of being inside her is unlike anything I've ever experienced. The way her walls clench around me and the way her breasts bounce as she moves up and down make my teeth dig into my lip as my wide eyes focus on where we are joined.

"Oh fuck," I cry out. "Katniss!" I lean up to take her breast in my mouth while she rides me fiercely. She leans back, grinding against instead of going up and down and I know she's searching for friction. My thumb goes back to her clit and I'm determined to get her there. The thought of her coming around my cock makes me shiver. I rub my thumb over her quickly and her breathing speeds up as she grips my shoulders tightly.

"Come with me baby," I whisper against her chest. "I want us to finish together." She does a moment later and it's unreal. She squeezes me like a vice and I cry out and bite down on her shoulder as I come inside her.

"Oh my god," she pants, still holding onto me. Softening slightly inside her, I help her off me and we curl up together, grasping our hands between us. I reach out to push a strand of damp hair out of her face and her eyes search mine.

"Ask me again, Peeta."

"What?"

"What have you been wanting to ask me for years? Ask me again." It takes a moment, I'll admit, but once I figure out what she's referring to, my face breaks into a grin.

"You love me. Real or not real?"

"Real," she breathes and I feel my heart racing. Like it's going to burst out of my chest and jump right into hers. She's always owned my heart anyway. Now that I know she loves me too, I never want it back.  
\-----------------------------------------

We slowly come down from our high and my hand freezes in its lazy trail across her back.

"Katniss…are you on birth control?"

"No," her eyes open and she looks like she was about to fall asleep. "I haven't been with anyone else, why would I use birth control?"

"I didn't use anything," I say uncertainly and her eyes widen. She bolts up and grips the blankets.

"Oh my god, Peeta! What if-"

"Hey, hey," I soothe her, pulling her back down beside me. "Whatever happens, we'll face it together, ok?" she relaxes in my arms and sighs.

"Pearl does want a little brother," she whispers as she falls back to sleep. I smile and nuzzle up to the love of my life.

Whatever happens, we're together now. We're not the same people as we once were. I don't think I've ever seen her smile so much as she was with Pearl earlier but it's a beautiful sight. I look forward to learning a lot more about her. About them both actually. I know it's not all going to be easy. Life has out us through the ringer and there's no way we can completely escape that. But hopefully now that we're together again and neither of us are fighting our feelings, things can be good again. And I can't wait to ask her that question, again and again, just to hear her reply.


	8. Chapter 8

Epilogue: 

“Where is my birthday princess?” I pretend to look around and hear giggling at my feet.

“Daddy I’m right here!” 

“Oh! You’re so beautiful, I don’t know how I could have missed you.” I attack her with kisses and she shrieks in my grasp. Her mother comes in behind her, her arms full of blankets.

“You ready for cake?” My little girl’s blue eyes sparkle.

“Does Rye get cake?”

“Rye’s too young for cake,” I laugh. “But you get to have cake and later on, Aunt Annie and Finn and Aunt Johanna will have some with you too!”

“Ok!” Katniss laughs and I hold out my arms.

“Want me to hold him while you slice the cake?”

“You trust me with a knife?”

“You are the huntress after all.”

“Fair enough. But yes please hold him because I’ve had to go to the bathroom all morning and he won’t give me a moment’s peace.” I laugh as I take our son from her and she hurries off down the hall.

“Daddy!”

“Coming baby!” I carry Rye into the kitchen where I see Pearl is sitting at the table, eyeing the cake.

“Wait for Mommy to cut it,” I tell her, kissing her curls. 

“Presents?”

“I thought you wanted to wait for everyone to join us before you open presents?” She shrugs and looks so much like her mother that I have to laugh before I kiss her again.

“How about you open one present and we open the rest later?”

“Mmm…ok!” She runs to the small pile of gifts we have piled in the corner and she cocks her head.

“This one,” she grabs the biggest one and tugs it out into the middle of the floor.

“Hey, what’s going on,” Katniss says behind me. “I thought we were saving presents for later.”

“I told her she can open one and we will save the rest. Hand me the scissors so I can help…” When I turn back to my birthday girl, she’s pulled off all the wrapping and is chewing at the box with her teeth. Katniss bursts out laughing and shakes her head.

“Don’t look at me, she gets that impatience from you.”

“Oh yeah right,” I scoff, patting Rye’s back. He continues to sleep in my arms, for which I’m grateful. He hasn’t been sleeping a lot and therefore keeps the rest of us up all night. Although I don’t complain in the slightest; I missed out on Katniss’s whole pregnancy and Pearl’s baby days. I couldn’t be more grateful to Katniss for giving me a second chance. And I spoiled her in every way I could when I found out we were expecting Rye. I gave her massages, foot rubs, baked her cheese buns and strawberry cake, built new furniture for Rye’s nursery, kept Pearl busy so Katniss could have some relaxing days to herself, kept the fire stoked and the cabin warm, brought her flowers and chocolate and whatever else I could find for her. And at night while Pearl was asleep, I would spend my time lavishing her flesh with my tongue, whispering my words of adoration against her breasts, my soft ‘I love you’s’ against her inner thighs, my passion and love for her in every swipe of my tongue, with every thrust of my hips. I endured her moodswings, her angry tears, her emotional outbursts, and my favorite of all, her insatiable appetite. I discovered she would have strange cravings, especially around two or three in the morning but after awhile, she started to turn her nose up at the desserts I offered her. When I asked in exasperation what she did want, she would climb on top of me and palm me through my sleep pants. She couldn’t get enough of me and I would never complain about this newfound discovery either. What made it the best of all, is when she whispered ‘I love you’ into my ear as she would clench around me. It’s always my undoing and she knows I can’t hold back anymore. 

Haymitch was right; Pearl really is the most adorable child I have ever seen. A pregnant Katniss is without a doubt the most beautiful sight in the world but the sight of her holding my son in her arms is pretty close after that. Just last night, she fell asleep on the couch with both Rye and Pearl in her arms and I had to sketch them before I could carry them to bed. 

“Mommy! Daddy!” 

“Happy birthday, princess,” I say with a smile, coming back to the present. Pearl has her gift unwrapped and is gazing at it in awe. Katniss and I built her a giant castle that she could actually open the door and go inside. The pink turrets were my idea and Katniss built a little horse and carriage set to go with it, for her dolls. Pearl yanks the door open and Katniss chuckles as she tells her to be gentle. She leans over the little door and kisses our daughter’s forehead.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it!” 

“Good. You can play a little bit while we clean up for your party later. Daddy, will you go ahead and finish the cake?” 

“Yeah,” I say, still smiling at how she calls me daddy. “Of course. Let me put Rye down for a nap.” 

“Don’t forget the baby monitor,” she calls as she cleans up the wrapping paper that is strewn everywhere. I carry Rye to our bedroom, where his bed is set up against the wall. Katniss confessed to me that Pearl slept in her room when she was a baby too, and that she can’t bear to let her children out of her sight for too long. I definitely know the feeling. 

After I set Rye into his bed, I rub his little belly and grab the monitor from the table, carrying it back into the kitchen. Pearl has dragged out all of her dolls and is playing in the castle and Katniss smiles.

“Peeta could you put her castle in the living room? I want to get this kitchen cleaned up before anyone gets here.”

“Of course honey.” I peer over the castle door and growl loudly.

“Princess Pearl. A huge scary giant is at your door.” Pearl giggles and pushes the door open. I roll my eyes and scoff.

“And you still open the door? Even though there’s a giant out here? What did your mommy say about strangers?”

“Don’t blame her for being YOUR daughter, Peeta,” Katniss laughs behind me. She often teases us for being so much alike. Our little girl can make friends wherever she goes and has charmed quite a few of the little boys at her preschool.   
I constantly tease Katniss that if our daughter is anything like her, I will have to chase the boys away with a broom. She merely rolls her eyes at me and tells me I’m crazy. 

“Crazy about you,” I shoot back. 

“Really Peeta, I think you were the only one who ever looked at me.”

“That’s not true. I know a lot of boys liked you. They were just…scared as hell of you.” 

“I’m flattered,” she scowls. 

“And what about Ga--“

“DON’T go there, Peeta,” she says sharply. 

“Hey, I’m not complaining that you managed to chase them all off. I was the persistent one. Although I guess I don’t have much competition out here,” I wave around the cabin. She fixes me with those stormy eyes and her face softens.

“You don’t have much competition anywhere.” And the way her voice gets soft and apologetic, like she is trying to say so many things in that one little sentence, makes me grab her up and carry her to our bed and I proceed to show her that she has NEVER had any competition in my mind.   
I snap back to the present and shake my head.

“Come on princess, we’re moving your castle to the living room so Mommy can clean.” She follows me and I set the castle and her toys down and she immediately goes back inside.

“You behave while we get ready for your party, ok?” She ignores me, going back to playing with her dolls and I head back into the kitchen to find Katniss sweeping. 

“Hey,” I say softly, covering her hands with mine. She blinks up at me and I cup her face as I kiss her softly. When I pull back, her tongue trails her lips and she opens her eyes.

“What was that for?”

“I haven’t kissed you a whole twelve hours. I was beginning to forget what your lips taste like.” 

“I see. And one short kiss is enough to make you remember?”

“No, you’re right, I need another.” And another. And another. And another, until her lips are red and swollen and I grin sheepishly. 

“We’re not getting a whole of cleaning done,” she huffs.

“It’s just Annie and Jo. They’ve seen the place before, they know we have two kids.”

“Haymitch hasn’t. And it’s his first time out of 12 since…well, we came back.”

“Katniss, his house is a hovel. Really, I’m sure it will be fine.” She sighs and taps her fingers on the broom. I watch her, the gears working in her brain before my very eyes, as she tosses the broom to the floor and throws her arms around my neck. Her lips crash down on mine and her breasts are pressed against my chest. 

“You’re. Making. Me. Crazy,” I mutter between kisses.

“Sorry,” she shrugs, not sounding sorry at all. But she backs away and turns around.

“So, um…Johanna offered to stay a few days and watch Pearl and Rye while we…take some time to be alone.” 

“Oh really?” Her voice is lower, huskier and damn if it doesn’t turn me on. I nod as I wrap my arms around her and pull her against my chest.

“Really. I was thinking it might be nice…now Rye is a little older…and god knows we haven’t had a lot of privacy in a long time.” Just last night, I was starting to slide down Katniss’s naked body and settle between her legs, when we heard the door bang open and a little voice asking what was Daddy doing to Mommy. Oh THAT was a fun conversation, let me tell you. 

“So I may or may not have booked a cabin on top of the mountain…just for a night…just the two of us,” I go on as I lick at her neck and she moans and tilts her head to the side. 

“That sounds so great,” she whimpers. She presses against me and I thrust my hips forward; she slides her arm up around my neck and turns her head to kiss me again. My hands move up from her waist to palm her breasts through her dress and her breath hitches as I tweak a nipple roughly. 

“She’s going to find us like this,” she whispers. 

“She has your stealth,” I whisper in agreement. She moves away and picks up the broom and I pull the cake out of the fridge. A giant three-tiered castle with a pink unicorn and I can’t wait to see the look on her face. I still need to put on a few finishing touches so I sit at the counter and focus on the piping bag in my hand.   
\--------------------------------------------------

That evening, as I watch Pearl playing dolls with Haymitch, Finn, and Annie, while Johanna and Katniss are on the couch talking, and I glance down at my sleeping son in my arms, I can’t help but examine life for a moment. Was it only six years ago that I fled from my home, leaving behind the woman I loved most in the world? I didn’t know what my life would be like, didn’t know how I would live without Katniss, couldn’t imagine a world without her in it. But I left and bounced from district to district, never being able to settle down, never being able to stop thinking about what I left behind. When I returned to 12, I discovered Katniss was gone and Haymitch told me she had left with her mother. Not long after, I saw the news and felt like my world had turned upside down.

Until I found her again. Until I held her in my arms, until I held my daughter in my arms. Then my world really did turn upside down, that night as she gazed into my eyes, took my hand, and told me to ask her again. And I did. I still ask her, over and over, just to hear the words.

After that night, Katniss and I had a talk with Pearl. I was right; she was far too smart for her own good. She’d thrown her arms around me and looked over my shoulder, to her mother and whispered ‘I told you’. 

Rye starts to fuss in my arms and Katniss glances over at us.

“He’s probably hungry. I’ll go warm up a bottle.”

“I can do it,” I rise to my feet, lowering him into her lap. I rub his forehead, kiss hers, and rush to the kitchen. When I return, Katniss is singing softly to calm him down. It works too, as it always does. But Rye and I aren’t the only ones captivated by her voice. Every eye is on her, and even Johanna looks immensely relaxed. I sink onto the couch beside her, gripping the bottle in my hand. 

\---Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you----

Rye’s startling grey eyes blink up at me lazily and I stroke his cheek. As breathtaking as it is gazing into Pearl’s blue eyes, it’s just as amazing to see my love’s eyes on this tiny being. His mouth starts to move and Katniss holds the bottle to his mouth; while he eats, she turns and presses her forehead to mine. Haymitch resumes his game with Pearl, and Johanna asks Annie if she wants some more tea. Katniss closes her eyes for a moment and opens them again.

“Ask me again, Peeta,” her warm breath fans over my face.

“You love me.” There is no question to it, not anymore. She tells me often and I’ll never get tired of hearing it. She nods and reaches up to trail a finger down my cheek.

“Real. I love you so much.” 

“I love you too.” She smiles and leans her head against my shoulder. I watch Rye eat, before my eyes flicker over to where Pearl is playing. Finally I gaze down at the woman who has fallen asleep on my shoulder and my face breaks out into a huge smile.   
Real. All of it. Thank God she told me to ask her again, safe in her arms, surrounded by her love. 

Because I’ll never doubt it again.

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays everyone! Thanks for sticking with me! XOXOX


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